So, I'm embracing unmasking.
Please know that I do so not because of some sense of being done or tired or over it or any of the other ways that the transition from pandemic to endemic is being framed. Rather, I know that the science says its time:
- the Omicron variant is as mild as we might ever hope to see, As Dr. John Campbells says "Omicron is the vaccine we should have invented"
- that natural immunity trumps that instilled by vaccines and boosters
- that every measure (positivity, hospitalizations, deaths) are relatively low at the moment
My fondest wish is that every healthy citizen (vaccinated or unvaccinated, myself included) gets COVID this spring and summer, develops natural immunity, and that the virus disappears into the background so that the at-risk and immuno-compromised can relax. I find it hard to believe that I have not been exposed (through my time spent at the yoga studio) but I've never had reason to believe I have been, there's nobody else in my "bubble", and I've happily eschewed social interaction (things like movies, theater, parties, dining out) over the past 24 months, so who knows.
We've dropped our mask and vax checks at the studio, and with it comes a need for me (and we, collectively) to let go of our anger & resentment towards the unvaccinated. It's gotten ugly in this little head of mine:
- wishing that unvaccinated friends and acquaintances get their asses kicked by the virus to teach them a lesson
- giving in to schadenfreude as vocal anti-vax / anti-mask celebrities, politicians, religious leaders, media spokespersons get sick, die. Fuck 'em.
- a reassuring mantra that COVID is the universe's way of pruning the gene pool (and the voting population) of the superstitious, the anti-science, the willfully ignorant, the politically obstinate, and the downright stupid
Finally, there is healing to be done - personally, socially, culturally, communally.
For me, the past month has been a time of hitting the restart button. The yoga studio teacher training program aborted in March of 2020 - it's restarted in 2022. It's been odd to just kind of pick up (with a mostly new batch of trainees) - finding all sorts of digital breadcrumbs of walking away two years ago this month, of not finishing the 2020 training.
I find myself not embedded or directly assisting in the training in 2022 - a first for me since 2011 (my first full year in the training). I put my foot down - I'm drained, broken, and am the primary person holding the yoga studio together (still) - I know that I need to be outside the training room (to manage the training logistics) as well as to keep the studio running (I'm the only staff person reliably able to work weekends), which would mean 18 hour days during training weekends.
And I find myself broken in other ways. I've come to realize that whatever level of adventure, extroversion, engagement I might have carried pre-pandemic was not natural - but rather something I worked at, cultivated, over many years. And that I've retreated into a solitary, self-sufficient, life that was, perhaps, my armor or survival mechanism growing up fey, nerdy, queer, proto-trans.
I've let go of so many spaces, people, communities, activities over the past two years, and I'm not really sure how many of these I really want to pick back up.
- my annual folk festival
- my band and playing music
- concerts
- movies
- balloon crewing
At 61 (as of Thursday) I just don't feel like I have that much time, energy, passion left. I'm tired of stepping out and showing up for stuff alone. My fuck-it bucket is deep and broad.
And as I watch others re-emerge - into concerts and festivals and sport and parties and events and dining out, I'm that little lonely kid, shut up in the house reading and feeling like whatever the hell is going on out there, it's not for me.
One of my pet theories (about gender transition) was that its akin to climbing a mountain. And that once one reaches the peak (presumably some level of transition or self-acceptance) the work is not done - because one needs to climb DOWN the mountain - a task that might take as long (in terms of years, energy) as did the climb through acceptance, self awareness, etc.
This pandemic is going to be like that for me, for many, maybe for all of us - the scars, the damage, the places of retreat or dysfunction or distraction - are going to be with us for a while - perhaps a few years.
And part of me wonders if I have a few years left.....
