I did hot yoga today (which was, admittedly, less hot than usual) and jazzercise tonight. I think I need to balance exercise (getting plenty) with better eating habits.
Maybe its time to restart weight watchers. Sweating alone is not cutting it - and I would love to apply my yoga chops to a sleeker, less belly restrained bod.....
February 13, 2006
City Life
Woke this morning to the remnants of the Blizzard of 2006. I was relieved to see the plows had not attacked overnight - our driveway remains thankfully clear. I have no doubt I'll find a ridge of plowed snow sometime today, but easier to deal with in the sun and relative warmth.
Looking out my window, to a street oddly illuminated by the bright snow, it all looks quite lovely. Our sidewalks and drive are neatly shoveled, with sharp edges and straight lines. Everything in uniform and clean.
Snowstorms bring out the best in people. We said hello to most of our neighbors - this time of year, its mostly nods and waves or a quick call as we move from car to house. But we're all outside shoveling, so we stop over for a few words, to catch up. People are helping each other - those with snowblowers take the time to run them down a neighbors sidewalk, or we'll converge on a newly plowed in driveway like ants. I love this neighborhood; never have I lived in such diversity and connectedness, nor felt quite so safe and supported.
About the only thing that would have made yesterday perfect would have been a trek through the storm to pick up the Sunday paper - but we skipped that. It's not the New York Times.....but the Hartford Courant is still a treat.
Looking out my window, to a street oddly illuminated by the bright snow, it all looks quite lovely. Our sidewalks and drive are neatly shoveled, with sharp edges and straight lines. Everything in uniform and clean.
Snowstorms bring out the best in people. We said hello to most of our neighbors - this time of year, its mostly nods and waves or a quick call as we move from car to house. But we're all outside shoveling, so we stop over for a few words, to catch up. People are helping each other - those with snowblowers take the time to run them down a neighbors sidewalk, or we'll converge on a newly plowed in driveway like ants. I love this neighborhood; never have I lived in such diversity and connectedness, nor felt quite so safe and supported.
About the only thing that would have made yesterday perfect would have been a trek through the storm to pick up the Sunday paper - but we skipped that. It's not the New York Times.....but the Hartford Courant is still a treat.
February 12, 2006
Whoa, Snow
a.k.a. It's a Winter Wonderland.
It's been snowing all morning - we woke up to maybe 10" and its been coming down steadily every since. I've seen television reports (almost always hyperbole-enhanced) of 21" in West Hartford (we're 50' from the West Hartford line). It's still coming down, but the radar seems to show a break in the action imminent. Let's hope so. We might get as much as 24". Two freaking feet. Yee haw!
On the plus side, its very light and fluffy. We were out once shoveling the sidewalks and a little of the driveway, as well as the back porch for the dogs. We'll be out again - once it all ends.
Ah New England. We love ya. As long as the electricity stays on, and the internet, and the phones.
It's been snowing all morning - we woke up to maybe 10" and its been coming down steadily every since. I've seen television reports (almost always hyperbole-enhanced) of 21" in West Hartford (we're 50' from the West Hartford line). It's still coming down, but the radar seems to show a break in the action imminent. Let's hope so. We might get as much as 24". Two freaking feet. Yee haw!
On the plus side, its very light and fluffy. We were out once shoveling the sidewalks and a little of the driveway, as well as the back porch for the dogs. We'll be out again - once it all ends.
Ah New England. We love ya. As long as the electricity stays on, and the internet, and the phones.
Stuff We've Done
Friday night we netflixed Hotel Rwanda - not a pleasant movie by any means but a well made and powerful one. The whole artificial Hutu / Tutsi lines of demarcation, the colonial roots of it all, the worlds inability / unwillingness to step in. Pretty horrific. And happening again.
Last night, we braved the pre-snowstorm hysteria to go to the Sounding Board to see April Verch. A truly delightful evening - from Ms. Verch's fiddling (incredible) to step-dancing (impressive) to the interplay with her band (bass, guitar, and her husband Marc on percussion and a creative and talented Bohdran player in his own right). It was really fantastic. Ms. Verch, who hails from Ottowa, has an interesting voice - very slightly like Iris Dement sans twang - more sweet really. She is adorable on a lot of levels.
I was struck mid-concert with how fortunate we are living in Hartford - we have the Sounding Board, University of Hartford's Music for Change right in town, a little further out Roaring Brook and Glastonbury nature centers, the Vanilla Bean, Cheney Hall. Just a plethora of fantastic acoustic music. Almost too much - it can be overwhelming.
And a shout-out to friend TC who volunteers at the Sounding Board and was staffing the CD table.
Last night, we braved the pre-snowstorm hysteria to go to the Sounding Board to see April Verch. A truly delightful evening - from Ms. Verch's fiddling (incredible) to step-dancing (impressive) to the interplay with her band (bass, guitar, and her husband Marc on percussion and a creative and talented Bohdran player in his own right). It was really fantastic. Ms. Verch, who hails from Ottowa, has an interesting voice - very slightly like Iris Dement sans twang - more sweet really. She is adorable on a lot of levels.
I was struck mid-concert with how fortunate we are living in Hartford - we have the Sounding Board, University of Hartford's Music for Change right in town, a little further out Roaring Brook and Glastonbury nature centers, the Vanilla Bean, Cheney Hall. Just a plethora of fantastic acoustic music. Almost too much - it can be overwhelming.
And a shout-out to friend TC who volunteers at the Sounding Board and was staffing the CD table.
February 11, 2006
Growing Up Catholic...
I'm spitting over on another blog about growing up Catholic. So I figured I needed to expand on that theme here. The object du rant is the recently freed former governer of Connecticut, who was brought up via the catholic school system. As was I.
I started off from a different place, and took a different path. This is what we call a major understatement. But I worked the same system. I learned that it did not actually matter how good or moral or ethical one was, all that counted was looking good, not getting caught. If the nuns, brothers, priests or teachers thought you were a good kid, you were, regardless of what you were up to or how much of a shit you were to your classmates when you were out of sight.
I had maybe one or two teachers in 12 years of catholic education that saw through my facade, and recognized that there was pain and struggle below the surface in this good little kid who played by the rules. I was a "playa" in the churches of my youth and young adulthood - standing on the altar (guitar in hand), hanging in the sacristy. I met the gay* priests, the ones with substance abuse issues, the promiscuous ones - and these seemed to be the most likely to be spewing intolerance from the pulpit. As long as it looked good from the pews....no harm, no foul. The institutional hypocrisy is what got to me.
The same sort of game playing extended to things like homosexuality, birth control, abortion - the official rules were idealistic, sacrosanct, and wholly impractical, so we'll just make believe. Wink wink. I recall a pre-marital counseling session where the young priest (who is now a playa himself in the archdiocese) gave us the "here's the official teaching but pretty much do what your conscience dictates" spiel re: birth control. Lot of leeway and room for error when there are two sets of rules, one of which is completely personal and ephemeral, and dared not be discussed or debated in open court.
It took me 30 some years to recover from that, to recognize that simply wishing for something to go away, faking it until I made it, was not the way to inner peace or enlightenment. My path led through therapy, and facing some difficult decisions in my own life, and left some wounded bodies in its path. Maybe the ex-gov is coming to that realization himself.
So...my catholic rant.
* Uhm, not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm a big ol' queer myself. It's the closetedness and the ability to compartmentalize oneself and rationalize in such a way that one can be gay, sexually active, and yet part of an organization that rejects the concept.
I started off from a different place, and took a different path. This is what we call a major understatement. But I worked the same system. I learned that it did not actually matter how good or moral or ethical one was, all that counted was looking good, not getting caught. If the nuns, brothers, priests or teachers thought you were a good kid, you were, regardless of what you were up to or how much of a shit you were to your classmates when you were out of sight.
I had maybe one or two teachers in 12 years of catholic education that saw through my facade, and recognized that there was pain and struggle below the surface in this good little kid who played by the rules. I was a "playa" in the churches of my youth and young adulthood - standing on the altar (guitar in hand), hanging in the sacristy. I met the gay* priests, the ones with substance abuse issues, the promiscuous ones - and these seemed to be the most likely to be spewing intolerance from the pulpit. As long as it looked good from the pews....no harm, no foul. The institutional hypocrisy is what got to me.
The same sort of game playing extended to things like homosexuality, birth control, abortion - the official rules were idealistic, sacrosanct, and wholly impractical, so we'll just make believe. Wink wink. I recall a pre-marital counseling session where the young priest (who is now a playa himself in the archdiocese) gave us the "here's the official teaching but pretty much do what your conscience dictates" spiel re: birth control. Lot of leeway and room for error when there are two sets of rules, one of which is completely personal and ephemeral, and dared not be discussed or debated in open court.
It took me 30 some years to recover from that, to recognize that simply wishing for something to go away, faking it until I made it, was not the way to inner peace or enlightenment. My path led through therapy, and facing some difficult decisions in my own life, and left some wounded bodies in its path. Maybe the ex-gov is coming to that realization himself.
So...my catholic rant.
* Uhm, not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm a big ol' queer myself. It's the closetedness and the ability to compartmentalize oneself and rationalize in such a way that one can be gay, sexually active, and yet part of an organization that rejects the concept.
February 10, 2006
Back in the real world....
Boston went fine. No serious problems found (though I suspect they have some issues that are intermittant will be back, but they are monitoring for that) and I did find a sneak path that might be a design issue with my client's box. So worthwhile trip, all in all. Pretty amazing all of the hospitals in that area (I was at Dana Farber Cancer Institute, FWIW)
Got out about 3, drove to mom's in Framingham, and had a nice dinner with her. She gifted us with one of those little cloth bags to put plastic bags in (Zippy is a saver of both the plastic grocery store bags as well as the clear plastic veggie bags, which she washes out and reuses). I was also given a huge plant for the office (her and sis chipped in) which I need to figure out where to put. I know have 4 plants in a smallish (~14 x ~14) space - I fear a reputation as the horticultural version of a cat lady over there.
Got back about 8 pm to find a box over at the office; Zippy's new LCD computer monitor which is now set up and she likes muchly; it allows her to really use her old small desk; we tossed the old composite sectional one which got taken from the curb on Monday (we live in a recycling kind of neighborhood, much of what gets put to the curb ends up scarfed up for reuse or scrap, not a lot ends up in the landfill)
Glad to have made it up and back in a day - yoga workshop this morning that I did not want to miss.
Got out about 3, drove to mom's in Framingham, and had a nice dinner with her. She gifted us with one of those little cloth bags to put plastic bags in (Zippy is a saver of both the plastic grocery store bags as well as the clear plastic veggie bags, which she washes out and reuses). I was also given a huge plant for the office (her and sis chipped in) which I need to figure out where to put. I know have 4 plants in a smallish (~14 x ~14) space - I fear a reputation as the horticultural version of a cat lady over there.
Got back about 8 pm to find a box over at the office; Zippy's new LCD computer monitor which is now set up and she likes muchly; it allows her to really use her old small desk; we tossed the old composite sectional one which got taken from the curb on Monday (we live in a recycling kind of neighborhood, much of what gets put to the curb ends up scarfed up for reuse or scrap, not a lot ends up in the landfill)
Glad to have made it up and back in a day - yoga workshop this morning that I did not want to miss.
February 09, 2006
I Love That Dirty Water....
....oh, Boston, you're my home.
Heading up to Boston today for a last minute work project. Yet another opportunity for eternal glory and accolades. Or a couple of days consulting pay. Or something.
Heading up to Boston today for a last minute work project. Yet another opportunity for eternal glory and accolades. Or a couple of days consulting pay. Or something.
February 07, 2006
Killing Time
I know I am a self proclaimed television refusnik but I have a desire to see HOUSE tonight. So I am hanging around waiting for 9 pm.
That is all.
That is all.
Work Life Changes.....
Amazing how life-changing something as simple as getting an office outside the home is. I noticed this the last time I "moved out of the house" but back then there were many changes in the works, so the home-office-to-remote-office did not have as much impact or import.
What I am noticing so far is that I am planning my day more. I am thinking about what to wear, getting up with the goal of being out of the house by a certain time, plotting things like laundry or household chores when I am back home. There is a lot less "let's just see how the day develops" happening.
I am also seemingly more goal oriented and focused at work - I have a white board filled with projects and to do lists and I am cossing 'em off. It's as if the peer pressure of other professionals in the building who might drop in and might see what I am up to is enough of a push.
It's all very interesting, to step back a bit for a wider perspective and see how this is affecting me.
What I am noticing so far is that I am planning my day more. I am thinking about what to wear, getting up with the goal of being out of the house by a certain time, plotting things like laundry or household chores when I am back home. There is a lot less "let's just see how the day develops" happening.
I am also seemingly more goal oriented and focused at work - I have a white board filled with projects and to do lists and I am cossing 'em off. It's as if the peer pressure of other professionals in the building who might drop in and might see what I am up to is enough of a push.
It's all very interesting, to step back a bit for a wider perspective and see how this is affecting me.
February 06, 2006
Ned Lamont
Cause Joe Lieberman is a too entrenched and too conservative. For crying out loud his name was out there as a potential Sec of Defense. He's gonna support the US invasion of Iraq (and Iran, probably) regardless of the costs or the folly.
Ned Lamont for US Senate. Tell your friends.
There is a little part of me thinking we should not be beating each other up and should save it for the right. And there is a little part of me that admires Lieberman's independence. And there is a little part of me that thinks Lamont's campaign will at best push Lieberman slightly left.
Hey, rememeber when Lieberman beat Weicker? I do. I remember the nasty little TV ads with Lowell portrayed as a hibernating bear. Hey Joe - get your bear suit out. We're a coming hunting.....
Ned Lamont for US Senate. Tell your friends.
There is a little part of me thinking we should not be beating each other up and should save it for the right. And there is a little part of me that admires Lieberman's independence. And there is a little part of me that thinks Lamont's campaign will at best push Lieberman slightly left.
Hey, rememeber when Lieberman beat Weicker? I do. I remember the nasty little TV ads with Lowell portrayed as a hibernating bear. Hey Joe - get your bear suit out. We're a coming hunting.....
The Feminist Spectator
The Feminist Spectator ruminates on theatre, performance, film, and television, focusing on gender, sexuality, race, other identities and overlaps, and our common humanity. It addresses how the arts shape and reflect our lives; how they participate in civic conversations; and how they serve as a vehicle for social change and a platform for pleasure. It’s accessible to anyone committed to the arts’ political meanings.
Just sharing the wealth....
Just sharing the wealth....
February 05, 2006
Weird
OK, so I added The Squid and the Whale to my profile under movies. And then I checked my profile, and clicked on the movie to see who else has it listed. Meat Gun, a 24 year old blogger from Georgia pops up first, and has listed as her interests Wes Anderson (directed The Royal Tenenbaums) and Noah Baumbach (Squid & Whale)
How messed up that I popped to that kinship. I mean, I AM NOT A FILM STUDENT. I swear to god. I was just watching and I happened to notice. Seriously. Leave me alone!
How messed up that I popped to that kinship. I mean, I AM NOT A FILM STUDENT. I swear to god. I was just watching and I happened to notice. Seriously. Leave me alone!
The Squid and the Whale
Just a great small movie. Uncomfortable as all hell, but great.
Reminded me a bit of the Royal Tenenbaums (well, NYC, tennis, dysfunction, and the dad going down in the street, anyway, and Ben Stiller who brings to mind a certain scene in There's Something About Mary - yeah, THAT scene). It's practically an homage, now that one thinks about it.
Oh yeah, I did a production gig at the NY Museum of Natural History (where one can find the Squid and the Whale)
Film geeks will get upset cause there are lots of post-1990 automobiles in the background of a film set in the mid 80's.
Off to the shower - Zippy is watching Bleak House on PBS.
Oh yeah. The divorcee dad's glassware consists of Burger King promo glasses. The aforementioned oddly appealling Burger King was featured prominantly in one shot (hell, the glassware got a credit!)
Fast food is haunting me.
Reminded me a bit of the Royal Tenenbaums (well, NYC, tennis, dysfunction, and the dad going down in the street, anyway, and Ben Stiller who brings to mind a certain scene in There's Something About Mary - yeah, THAT scene). It's practically an homage, now that one thinks about it.
Oh yeah, I did a production gig at the NY Museum of Natural History (where one can find the Squid and the Whale)
Film geeks will get upset cause there are lots of post-1990 automobiles in the background of a film set in the mid 80's.
Off to the shower - Zippy is watching Bleak House on PBS.
Oh yeah. The divorcee dad's glassware consists of Burger King promo glasses. The aforementioned oddly appealling Burger King was featured prominantly in one shot (hell, the glassware got a credit!)
Fast food is haunting me.
Super Bowl Commercials
I'm not gonna see too many of 'em, but so far:
* Loved the Tostitos commercial (3 guys and the woman working) cause it has a sort of proletariat spin (white collar slackers feeling all superior to the street workers) and a feminist spin (woman doing the work, men taking credit for a team effort)
* The Burger King Whopperettes gets high marks for queerish Busby Berkley vibe. Plus the costumed Burger King is creepy in a likably odd way.
* The McDonald's hamster thing. Being an ex McD's employee, seeing the old "Ronald on the Bench" statue used as a prop was amusingly out of character for what is usually a risk averse company, marketing wise. Nobody messes with the clown's image.
* The High Throttle series. Complete ickness and boring. I guess the special effects are OK but I am not really noticing.
* The Fed Ex cave man and dinosaur thing. Historically bogus but great to see the pterosaur with the cave men (to scale) and then get eaten, and when the cave man kicks the little raptor and then gets stomped. LAUGH.
* The Ameriquest killing the fly with the defirillator paddles. Funny if technically problematic.
* Bud Light is killing me. The office scavenger hunt out of control. The magic fridge. The bear. Fixing the roof. All winners. And I hate Budweiser, conceptually and from a product standpoint.
OK, off to see the Squid and the Whale.
* Loved the Tostitos commercial (3 guys and the woman working) cause it has a sort of proletariat spin (white collar slackers feeling all superior to the street workers) and a feminist spin (woman doing the work, men taking credit for a team effort)
* The Burger King Whopperettes gets high marks for queerish Busby Berkley vibe. Plus the costumed Burger King is creepy in a likably odd way.
* The McDonald's hamster thing. Being an ex McD's employee, seeing the old "Ronald on the Bench" statue used as a prop was amusingly out of character for what is usually a risk averse company, marketing wise. Nobody messes with the clown's image.
* The High Throttle series. Complete ickness and boring. I guess the special effects are OK but I am not really noticing.
* The Fed Ex cave man and dinosaur thing. Historically bogus but great to see the pterosaur with the cave men (to scale) and then get eaten, and when the cave man kicks the little raptor and then gets stomped. LAUGH.
* The Ameriquest killing the fly with the defirillator paddles. Funny if technically problematic.
* Bud Light is killing me. The office scavenger hunt out of control. The magic fridge. The bear. Fixing the roof. All winners. And I hate Budweiser, conceptually and from a product standpoint.
OK, off to see the Squid and the Whale.
Super? I Think Not!
Super Bowl Sunday? Oh yeah.
It matters little. We're not fans, although I switched it on just now to see the first couple of commercials. I mean - why not?
Hot yoga this morning, then some errands and laundry. Visited the office for a while. Made dinner for Zippy, who was out with a friend most of the day. Going to a movie (The Squid and the Whale) this evening.
I am looking forward to the work week ahead, with the new office and all. Will be a nice opportunity to recover some discipline and rebuild some work habits.
It matters little. We're not fans, although I switched it on just now to see the first couple of commercials. I mean - why not?
Hot yoga this morning, then some errands and laundry. Visited the office for a while. Made dinner for Zippy, who was out with a friend most of the day. Going to a movie (The Squid and the Whale) this evening.
I am looking forward to the work week ahead, with the new office and all. Will be a nice opportunity to recover some discipline and rebuild some work habits.
February 04, 2006
Finishing Up the Move
Blogger has been acting weird; I've lost two posts about seeing Transamerica....
A friend came over today and between my efforts and ours, we moved the filing cabinet and desk over to the office. I am officially moved.
Tonight, Netflix gifted us with Daughters of Darkness. Weird, erotic, artful . One of Zippy's faves....she is in love with Delphine Seyrig. Definitely an interesting and erotic film, albeit a bit bloody and art/horror-ish for my taste.
A friend came over today and between my efforts and ours, we moved the filing cabinet and desk over to the office. I am officially moved.
Tonight, Netflix gifted us with Daughters of Darkness. Weird, erotic, artful . One of Zippy's faves....she is in love with Delphine Seyrig. Definitely an interesting and erotic film, albeit a bit bloody and art/horror-ish for my taste.
February 03, 2006
It's the computer, stupid....
As of this morning, my desktop computer is now at the office. I guess that means I am officially moved, even if the desk and filing cabinet and chair remain at home, to be brought over tomorrow. But with the computer networked, connected, hooked up to printers and all that, I am officially HERE as opposed to THERE.
Today is going to be a bit more organizing - hope to clean out the desk drawers and re-establish order (the drawers are here) before they are reunited with the desk. But all in all its been a pretty smooth transition (one of my specialties....) and coming as it did, I can still dive into a productive February.
It's kind of homey here - I have a couple of incandescent lanps for task lighting which are warmer than the overhead fluorescents. I picked up a new multi-function scanner / color inkjet. I am planning to get my sorry rear end using online postage so I do not have to stand inline at the world's worst post office (Shield Street) anymore.
It feels pretty good to be back....
Today is going to be a bit more organizing - hope to clean out the desk drawers and re-establish order (the drawers are here) before they are reunited with the desk. But all in all its been a pretty smooth transition (one of my specialties....) and coming as it did, I can still dive into a productive February.
It's kind of homey here - I have a couple of incandescent lanps for task lighting which are warmer than the overhead fluorescents. I picked up a new multi-function scanner / color inkjet. I am planning to get my sorry rear end using online postage so I do not have to stand inline at the world's worst post office (Shield Street) anymore.
It feels pretty good to be back....
February 02, 2006
Not a Pretty Girl
We went to see A Moon for the Misbegotten last night at Hartford Stage. Fell into some tickets via a long string of email connections, and neither of us had anything special going on. I love the Hartford Stage - had a subscription at one point in my life, and would go to Mark Lamos' Shakespeare productions pretty faithfully. Hartford is blessed with a couple of top notch theatres - Hartford Stage and Theatreworks are my personal faves.
I was a teeny bit disappointed in the production: Alyssa Bresnahan's Josie just seemed too smitten with Mr. Tyrone from the start, and I never bought into the "scheming" of either Josie or her father. But I love live theater. I guess I wanted to believe that they are really out to swindle Tyrone from the start (so as to appreciate the change of heart later), and instead I was busy watching the romance and never doubting the eventual outcome. Maybe you have to be a little less obtuse for a Hartford crowd, I dunno.
Souring the evening somewhat was an inquiry from an acquaintance (our "in" to the tickets) who approached me about an artist's project looking for beautiful women to photograph in their element (i.e. - what makes them feel beautiful). It was a singularly uncomfortable moment. I am not a pretty girl. I run from the lens. Invariably when people meet me in person their comments approach "wow you are less unattractive in person than the pictures I have seen indicate" and I take from that a sort of static = bad, dynamic = good vibe. I work best in 4 dimensions, with sound and smell and aura perceptible. In 2 dimensions, not so good. I also actually looked at my body en route out of the shower yesterday and was kind of icked out. So I am not buying the "beautiful woman" thing. It feels a little tokenizing.
It also chafed some of my own issues around outness, around being open to critique from the body-mod factions, around representing my peeps, around putting myself out there as a certain type of success. It just feels uncomfortable. I fear seeing the output and being so traumatized by what I actually look like that my little fantasy world of being remotely presentable as a female gendered human being might shatter into a catharsis of self-hate and repulsion.
But, I guess I am flattered even as I am locked up. I doubt I will do this.
It soured the evening somewhat for Zippy, who often feels that I get a lot of attention and energy from the community ("everybody loves you, nobody notices me"), as did the fact that I, and two acquaintances grabbed a glass of wine and did a little schmoozing at intermission - I switch into a corporate / arts / community networking, light chit-chat mode pretty easily, wheras she does not. So Zippy feels left out and in addition tends to physically recoil from the smell of wine in a sort of off-putting (if you are not used to it) way. She steps back and turns away in the same way one might avoid a dog who got sprayed by a skunk. Which makes for less effective schmoozing.
I guess I am not unlike Josie in a lot of ways. A bit coarse and rough, a bit proud of my work boots, a survivor, with a patina of bluster and innuendo for armor - but pretty innocent and inexperienced and woundable underneath it all.
I was a teeny bit disappointed in the production: Alyssa Bresnahan's Josie just seemed too smitten with Mr. Tyrone from the start, and I never bought into the "scheming" of either Josie or her father. But I love live theater. I guess I wanted to believe that they are really out to swindle Tyrone from the start (so as to appreciate the change of heart later), and instead I was busy watching the romance and never doubting the eventual outcome. Maybe you have to be a little less obtuse for a Hartford crowd, I dunno.
Souring the evening somewhat was an inquiry from an acquaintance (our "in" to the tickets) who approached me about an artist's project looking for beautiful women to photograph in their element (i.e. - what makes them feel beautiful). It was a singularly uncomfortable moment. I am not a pretty girl. I run from the lens. Invariably when people meet me in person their comments approach "wow you are less unattractive in person than the pictures I have seen indicate" and I take from that a sort of static = bad, dynamic = good vibe. I work best in 4 dimensions, with sound and smell and aura perceptible. In 2 dimensions, not so good. I also actually looked at my body en route out of the shower yesterday and was kind of icked out. So I am not buying the "beautiful woman" thing. It feels a little tokenizing.
It also chafed some of my own issues around outness, around being open to critique from the body-mod factions, around representing my peeps, around putting myself out there as a certain type of success. It just feels uncomfortable. I fear seeing the output and being so traumatized by what I actually look like that my little fantasy world of being remotely presentable as a female gendered human being might shatter into a catharsis of self-hate and repulsion.
But, I guess I am flattered even as I am locked up. I doubt I will do this.
It soured the evening somewhat for Zippy, who often feels that I get a lot of attention and energy from the community ("everybody loves you, nobody notices me"), as did the fact that I, and two acquaintances grabbed a glass of wine and did a little schmoozing at intermission - I switch into a corporate / arts / community networking, light chit-chat mode pretty easily, wheras she does not. So Zippy feels left out and in addition tends to physically recoil from the smell of wine in a sort of off-putting (if you are not used to it) way. She steps back and turns away in the same way one might avoid a dog who got sprayed by a skunk. Which makes for less effective schmoozing.
I guess I am not unlike Josie in a lot of ways. A bit coarse and rough, a bit proud of my work boots, a survivor, with a patina of bluster and innuendo for armor - but pretty innocent and inexperienced and woundable underneath it all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)