It was the sort of farewell dinner that we're good at - coming together in our grief to remember our brother, to thank friends who stepped up at the end, to support each other. We three remaining Russells, a couple of partners, one nephew, and two couples - Kevin's friend Alex (who we've decided to adopt, he was amazing over the past months) and his girlfriend, and Tom's friends Jeff & Paula, who caught wind of Tom's illness near the end (Jeff's mom lives with Tom's landlady) and showed up big in the final few weeks.
Not a traditional memorial service by any means - I brought a bag full of photos that we passed around, we told stories, shared memories. No formal prayer or speeches or anything. More laughter and smiles than tears. We do the tears alone....
Figuring out how to memorialize our brother remains a challenge. The nature of his addiction and illness (let's just get it out there, alcoholism, resulting in end stage liver disease) meant he had stepped back from communities, friends, and life over the past decade. So while Tom would have wanted a big, classic wake and funeral with open casket and lines of mourners and all that - we knew it would be us, an empty room, a handful of people who did not know Tom, showing up for us. We neither need nor want that.
Similarly, there's no connection to our religion of origin for any of us. Tom professed to being a "strict roman catholic" in the hospital (mostly when it came to considering things like hospice, end of life decisions, choosing to pursue life extending treatments) but he's not been to church in many decades, and then only with mom. I'm sure the last time he showed up in the parish rolls was as a confirmee in his teens.
The nature of the post sex abuse scandal catholic church doubles down on the discomfort - Mom struggled with the lack of a resident parish priest (the parish is run by a nun these days, visiting priests, often from overseas, say mass and handle the sacraments), and Tom did as well. An older priest visited Tom in the hospital (at our request) to clear up some end of life issues (DNI, DNR, hospice care, all of which Tom thought were against catholic teaching) - he also performed the (choose one) last rites, sacrament of the sick, annointing of the oils and gave Tom communion. There was really no priest or parish to call on when he was in hospice care; a hospice chaplain stopped in a few times who Tom clicked with.
So, we're working on an obituary; I'll be putting together some sort of photo album. We'll convert his Facebook page to a memorial page and share things there. We're gathering pieces of his collection (knives, hats, coins) to share with cousins, friends, relatives who might want something to remember Tom by.
Later this summer, we'll travel to Lancaster, PA, to inter Tom's ashes in the family plot. (Mom had asked to be cremated so we could bury her over the summer when her family could be there, and there would be room in the plot for 1-2 of us kids). We'll get a priest for a graveside service, family from mom's side will be there. "It will be nice" as mom would say.
It might seem (from the outside) that we are taking this lightly, not honoring Tom. We're each dealing with deep, complicated emotions (sorrow, grief, anger, compassion, love), we're coming off several months of crisis mode as we dealt with Tom's illness (and his often erratic or irrational demand and responses around it), and we're looking at several months of work to peel apart Tom's life and belonging in a way that is respectful and honors the things he loved. Relationship Status: It's Complicated.
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