Post Tom: Day Two

As we start the onerous, painful, and occasionally surreal process of settling Tom’s affairs, we tentatively step up to the cavern of eternity, i.e. Tom’s apartment. I spent the yesterday there - disassembled the bed (that we initially found with two boxsprings and two mattresses, Tom needed a stool to climb in. He fought us but we convinced him to use just one boxspring and one mattress). Boxed up DVD’s to donate or sell (um, 400 of them). Started to box up his n-scale trains - over 700 pieces of rolling stock. Over 100 locomotives, most of which were in a display case so I had to figure out which box to put them in. It’s a big project.

 I jokingly proposed some rules for the project.

#1: if you find an unopened, new in box, or tags still on item that you gifted Tom, you get first dibs. We found a lot of gifts he never got around to using (many from mom, who isn’t participating)

#2: if you decide you want something, you need to tell the others the story - why, what meaning. A way to get to know Tom and each other better.

#3: if Tom wanted you to have something, and it’s not something you want or need, it’s ok to not take it. No guilt. He was trying to give his stereo system to me all week. I’m 58, I’ve lived on my own for 12 years, I’ve had plenty of time to put together an audio system that meets my needs.

What I brought home, today:

#1: a little stuffed kitty I bought him during his first long stay at Beth Israel, when he was really missing Grace, his kitty. It reminds me of his softer, gentler side

#2: some noise canceling headphones I bought for him during the same hospital stay. He did not use them then, but they were perfect for dialysis, glad they made his life a little better for a few days.

#3: a hand made Asian scroll that I had apparently bought him during a trip to Hong Kong, 20+ years ago. He had it hung below two samurai swords he had, he even saved the box for it (which I almost tossed by accident) and was quite proud of the display. I have no idea what it says, I ought up to try to figure it out.

#4: PBS Alone in the Wilderness DVD’s - something he asked for and I bought him for Xmas. He would have liked that sort of life, I think. It will remind me of him.

It’s a bit sad to be in his home with him gone, and we’re constantly finding something that brings tears. But we three share just enough OCD / ADD characteristics, and have been itching to get our hands on the place (to clean, to organize, to purge and declutter) since he first got sick, but he would not let us touch much. So there’s something therapeutic in trying to clean up his life a bit, contribute to him a little, even after the fact.