The New Normal

Mostly noticing the silence with Elo gone. I wrote this last night as I lay in bed:

Right now it’s the sounds I miss. The way Elo’s collar tags jingled, the lapping of water, the click of nails on the kitchen floor when I’m in the basement, the thump as he jumped off the bed or the sofa, the slow quiet steps up and down the stairs.

I also am realizing all the ways my patterns bent to him being here. Each meal an interaction as he waited for the bowl or plate. The last thing I’d do at night is let him out for a final bathroom trip before locking the door. Each morning I’d be puttering around in the kitchen and he’d make his way down the stairs, pausing a few steps from the bottom waiting for me to move to the door to let him out. He’d wait in the living room, when I had his food ready, I’d peek around the corner and make eye contact and he’d come into the kitchen. And he’d follow me up and down the stairs, to the basement office, the bedroom - my shadow, all day long - even as he got creaky and slowed down.

And now, in bed. He’d get his nerve up, leap onto the tall bed. Once in a while he’d fall back, I felt so bad for him, but he never figured out the stairs I bought for him. Then come to the head of the bed and wait for me to lift the covers so he could scurry under, on his side. Each morning in these last years, I'd get up and check to see if he was breathing "still with me, old dog?"

This morning, I caught myself turning the hot water faucet on to let it run and warm up, a prelude to wetting down his dry food.

I've been slowly collecting his things - decided to toss the dog beds (full of hair and smell, and not easily cleaned), gave away the bed stairs (which he never did learn to use, preferring to jump up and down). His food, biscuits, rawhide chews are packed up to go to the local pound if they'll take them. I've tossed many of the toys, packed up the "equipment" (brushes, clippers, nail trimmers). Still deciding what to do with leashes, spare collars, newish toys.

And I've decided to make lemonade out of these bitter lemons - I'm giving the floors a good cleaning (so much dog fur that defied even regular vacuuming; I've lived with it for 10 years). I put a new quilt on the bed that I've been saving for post-Elo life (he's been a bit rough on bed covers over the years). And pondering the ways that Elo has limited me - preventing most overnight trips, not being a very dog friendly pup, etc. and how my life might be different going forward, if I let it.