Holding Space

This is such an amazing blog posting from Heather Platt: What it means to “hold space” for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well

I've been assisting at the yoga studio teacher training for the past six years - we're two months into the class of 2015. And during that time, I've heard the term "holding space" for ones students; I've been told that I "hold space" well, I've witnessed miraculous transformations and transitions through the "holding space" of my teacher, Barbara, the training she has developed, and the staff she has gathered around her.

But the concept of holding space has always been somewhat fuzzy or amorphous - what I have picked up over the years has been through role modeling, watching and learning, and perhaps some innate or natural tendencies / habits. So this posting and list are a wonderful attempt to quantify this important skill.

A few thoughts based on this list, from my own experiences:

1. Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom.
   One of the biggest issues in yoga communities is the guru-student relationship, how that is often abused, and how it sometimes stunts the growth of the student who cannot hear his/her own voice over the admonitions and instructions of the teacher.
   
2. Give people only as much information as they can handle.
   "You can't handle the truth!" - how often we come across students whose struggle and root cause may seem perfectly clear (to us) and are tempted to share that with them, or push them in a certain path or direction - it takes a lot of internal strength and wisdom to let them figure it out on their own.
3. Don’t take their power away.
   It's always kind of terrifying when folks who I have known as "teacher trainees" begin to blossom into their own power - that "you are not worthy" voice within me calls out and it would be so easy to cut them down to assure that I keep my place in the order of things. How many gurus or teachers, afraid of losing their own power, keep their students pot bound and dependent.
4. Keep your own ego out of it.
   On the surface, there's that "I am so freaking amazing" vibe that some of us seem to exude from our pores. But down deeper, there's our own struggle, grief, fragility that can get in the way of being of service. It's a weird trick - to be solid and real, authentically ourselves, and yet to not present our students with our own rough edges for them to get caught on or cling to. 
5. Make them feel safe enough to fail.
   First and foremost, by being honest about our own failures and limitations. By presenting challenges and goals that are attainable, but not assured. And by making the journey the goal, not the destination.
6. Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness.
   "We have no right to take another out of denial" - one of our training mantras. If someone asks, answer with gentleness and consideration. But taking inventory of another's issues or struggle, suggesting cures or resolutions that are unsolicited, or having a library of platitudes or rote answers is not helpful.
   
7. Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc.
   We have a saying around our studio "losing it on the mat" - every so often, one of us (and it has surely happened to me) will just start to weep, or be overcome with exhaustion, or pull down into child's pose. In the training program, we're often stepping in to lead another trainee away, who may be offering tissues or contact or trying to make someone smile to assuage their own discomfort with anger, with grief, with pain. Sitting with an individual who is releasing deep emotion, without trying to fix it, or make it better, or making it look good, is perhaps the most important thing I do.
8. Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would.
   My teacher has so much wisdom and so much life lessons learned - and to this day I marvel that I (who ignore a lot of what she says, and sit in my own struggle so often) am valued by her, am given an opportunity to contribute.  

Dream Log: Long Island, Dad, Yoga

Last night's short dream. I was inside an older house that was (apparently) recently purchased by my parents; it was kind of empty in that "not yet moved in" kind of way. It was located on Long Island, right off the Whitestone Bridge entrance, and I recalled thinking "Dad's moving home" (Dad passed away in 1979). Neither of my parents was in the dream though or in the house, just me and Elo, my dog. I walked around the house, the doors and windows were mostly open. I think the kitchen door had been left open overnight.

I took Elo out on a leash; he chased a squirrel who seemed a little too unafraid, not used to a dog in its yard. A couple of neighborhood dogs came around to check out the new arrival, and I was concerned about Elo getting into a fight with one of them.

Then, I ran into a young yoga teacher who was talking about her iPad; think she was teaching classes online or something, and I did not have much to say to her. And then an older yoga teacher came by who commented "I see you're addicted to sugar" and I replied "I see you're not very yogic" and she smiled and I got the feeling we were going to be friends. 

Christmas 2014: Four Movies

I caught four movies over the holiday season (which gives you a sense of what my holidays were like) - this rainy morning is a good opportunity to review them. 

Awake: The Life of Yogananda
This one arrived at Real Art Ways on Dec 19th, and has been showing ever since. A successful run despite a private showing on Dec 12th that many of my yoga friends and peers attended. Really wonderful use of archival footage, stills, and audio to relate the history of one of the first yogis to come to the west.

The film was divided between more or less concrete history (dates, places, anecdotes) and some discussion of yoga philosophy, and how / why it resonated with this country in that time (1920's onward)

A spiritual community friend related how the connection to an historic figure (through the archival material) made it very powerful for her, and I agree. I've never really known too much of Yogananda, and have not read The Autobiography of a Yogi but probably worth a read....

The Tale of Princess Kaguya
I'm not a huge anime fan in general, but I rarely miss anything that Studio Ghibli puts out, and this one is magical. A tiny girl, found inside a bamboo stalk, and adopted by an old bamboo cutter and his wife who dote on their "princess", and with the aid of gold and fine cloth gifted by the bamboo, work to elevate her to royalty.

I was quietly sobbing by the end with the Beauty and Truth of it all. Anyone who has asked the question "Who Am I?" will want to see this one, it's pretty powerful.

Into the Woods
I'm not a huge musical theater nerd - but there's something about Sondheim that resonates (yeah, I can pretty much sing Sunday in the Park, or Song and Dance, all the way through). This one was pretty good - I've seen the play in community theater a few times so did not have a lot to compare the movie to, but I found the score, songs, and plot to be so familiar and comfortable, and none of the actors were really inappropriate.

The play itself is somewhat challenging (with the "happily ever after" moment seeming to be the place that the mainstream audience would have been happy to have walked out on) and the drama and complications of the latter third not so easily communicated or expostulated.

But still, a lovely musical and tuneful experience. Almost nobody could even attempt to replace Bernadette Peters as The Witch, but Meryl Streep was wonderful. The rest of the cast was also pretty sharp, although Johnny Depp seems to bring too much camp / costumed baggage with him to be taken seriously in any role these days.

My only regret was seeing it on Christmas Day - too many people in the theater, someone wearing perfume sitting nearby, and a movie companion who wanted to see a movie, but not really THIS movie. Might be worth sneaking out for a matinee alone so I can stew in the music in peace.

She’s Beautiful When She’s Angry
Finally, a wonderful documentary about the women's movement, circa 1966-1971, with an opening night post-film discussion with director Mary Dore. Loved this movie - for the subject, for the narrative technique (present day interviews intercut with archival footage, stills, etc. of the interviewees). The movie hits many of the historic events, puts these into context, and covers many of the major cities - Boston, New York, Chicago, San Francisco, Washington.

It was a large and friendly crowd at Real Art Ways, and there were audible sighs and smatterings of applause when key figures and events were brought to the fore (the publishing of Our Bodies, Our Selves, Shirley Chisholm, etc.) Like "Awake" - the use of archival footage was wonderful, so see these often careworn women (today) back when they were young, vital, angry, activists was immensely powerful and made it very real. 


Although reasonable short (90 minutes or so) the documentary packed in a lot - turning the spotlight on women of color, on the divisions between the more conservative NOW and the more radical Women's Lib, exploring the straight / queer divide, discussing the various causes and priorities (equal opportunity, equal pay, child care, reproductive rights, domestic abuse, rape, etc.) - with just a few nods to the present day movement (reproductive rights in Texas, slut walks)


Definitely a must-see....

Watching the Weather

With three outdoor activities coming up in the next few weeks, I'm keeping an eye on the weather:

Thursday 7/24: Was a little concerned about the weather for the Guinea Pigs gig at Billings Forge Farmers' Market. But things look OK - partly cloudy, high 70s, 50% humidity, and low chance of rain (0 - 20%)

Saturday 7/26: Om Street / Yoga on LaSalle. Although the weekend forecast reads 86, Few Showers, and 30% Chance of Rain, the hourly forecast shows sunny, 60s, and 0% chance of rain in the morning. Let's call that a "go"

Tuesday 7/29 through Monday 8/4: Falcon Ridge Folk Festival. Looks like a mixed bag. Tuesday - Thursday look good (high 70s, sunny or mostly sunny, 0-10% chance of rain) - which are key days for me in terms of setting up campsite, relaxing with friends, getting prep work done in merch trailer land Friday and Saturday show showers and light rain (boo!) although we're looking 7-8 days out so lots of opportunity for changes. Fingers crossed and hopeful!

Too Busy to Blog - 2014 Edition

I seem to have this problem every year around this time. The weather gets hot, life gets busy, and I fail to blog. At least I got one more post in this July than I did last year.

Why so busy? Teacher Training at West Hartford Yoga ran through June 22 - the last weekend was really draining and there was a bit of catching my breath after that. Not that I got much time to relax; the 2014 teacher trainees jumped right into assisting; I've had 1-2 of them in most of my classes since the end of training - which keeps me on my toes and takes a bit of pre-class and post-class time to process.

Meanwhile, my web and social media clients over at Essex Steam Train launched a new website in mid-June; I'm no longer doing the tech for the site but still manage a lot of the content, so there was a lot going on there. They also started their daily operation (June 21), started planning for their summer circus train, and a bunch of summer events and features that have kept me hopping.

Finally, my band The Guinea Pigs has gotten busy - with fun gigs at MCC on Main (June 14), Blue Back Square (July 13), and the Manchester Bandshell (July 18) under our belts, and Buillings Forge Farmers Market tomorrow (July 24).

That's all the regular stuff. Summertime also brings some special events. West Hartford Yoga is doing their 4th Annual Om Street: Yoga on LaSalle event. Just another yoga class, except that I've been the audio engineer since year #1, when I rightly realized that event founder Lululemon had no idea what they were getting into, sound wise, and I volunteered the studio sound system (and my muscles and brain to make it work). This year, we're adding remote speakers; I've been busy at work drawing up plans and coordinating equipment - this year's acquisitions include 200' of XLR cable and a digital delay unit to sync up the remote system.
.

Right after Om Street, I leave for Falcon Ridge Folk Fest - my 22nd year as a volunteer (since 1992, with one year missed for a business trip to Malaysia). Like Om Street, it's not all fun and games; I've been in charge of performer merchandise since 2007 which involves spreadsheets, several supply runs to Staples, a small level of organizational OCD, and an equal measure of codependent over-functioning. I'm taking the year off from teaching yoga (I've been leading a 7:30 am practice in the dance tent since 2008) so hopefully will have a little bit of down time this year. Looking forward to nearly a week of camping, relaxing, hanging with my festival family, and more good music than I am able to absorb.

So - my busy life. I'll try to blog more often....

My Left Hand

A very vivid and remembered dream last night.

I dreamed I was at a party or function at the home of Dan, my fellow guitarist from The Guinea Pigs. During the party, there was a yoga class, taught by Ana Forrest (of all people; I've practiced with her a few times in the past but she's not really that present in my life right now) in the middle of the street (it was a cul-de-sac, in the dream). Somewhere in the practice, I attempted handstand (not a pose I do unsupported) and folded over or injured my left hand.

Flash forward to the next day; my hand injury has taken the form of slicing away significant parts of my four fingers - the index finger and pinky were pared down to the knuckle, the other fingers had more remaining but still pretty bad. The injuries had healed (no blood) and I was back talking to Dan and his wife Nancy about it (had they noticed this yesterday? Had I bled in their house? Did they find the remnants of my fingers?). I remember telling them not to worry about a lawsuit; I was not that type of person and besides it had happened in the street, not in their house.

And I remember having a deep sadness because the injury meant I would never play the guitar or bass again, and that it would impact my ability to teach and practice yoga.

At that moment, I woke up. The dream was so vivid and real that I immediately went to my left hand, found it to be intact, and was filled with a deep joy and happiness.

The whole thing reminded me of a zen story or parable I have heard, paraphrased here.

A man's child dies, yet he is strangely calm and unmoved by this.

When asked about it, he says "Last night, I dreamed I had four fine children, loving each of them as much as if they were my only child. When I awoke this morning, I realized it was a dream, and my dream children were gone."

"Do I mourn for this one child, or for these four children?"

A lesson dream perhaps. To be thankful for something as small as fingers. And that this body, this life, is on loan, and to enjoy it and use it wisely while it is in my care....

Once more into the breech.....

In two days, I'll be knee deep into the first weekend of the 2014 yoga teacher training at West Hartford Yoga. This is the same training I attended in 2008 (I was, in fact, Teacher Trainee #1, signing up first for the first year of the training). I have been honored to have been part of this training since 2010 (when I stepped in four of the six weekends to hold space due to some personal issues with the other assistants). In 2011, I was invited back, and have been a part of the training ever since.

It has been a huge honor to be part of this, quite daunting and overwhelming, and something I look forward to both expectantly and with a bit of fear. I know I bring a lot to the training - a bit more Kapha energy than my teacher or the other assistant. Solid, reliable, consistent. I'm the teacher that the trainees can look to when they feel unworthy or inadequate, the real evidence that there many ways to practice, to teach. I'm the one seeking out the trainees trying to hide, to crawl into corners, to disappear.

But the training weekends are quite long and somewhat overwhelming - three long days, three hot and long practices (even though I'm assisting rather than teaching or practicing, it's quite draining). 

It's another big class. 49 this year (topping last year's 46), I think they set a max of 48 but for some reason one extra person snuck in (probably someone got overlooked or verbally committed but got left off the list until the last minute). I expect we'll lose one or two this first weekend (that seems to happen every year) and hopefully we'll be left with an even number.

We have two "repeat" trainees this year - not sure what their stories are yet. We tend to have a few each year; folks who feel they need another go at it, were not in a good place the first time around, or missed the deadlines for certification. But it will be nice to see them again. Other than that, the names are (mostly) unknowns. One Facebook friend, two or three names I recognize as regular students. I'm sure once we get them all together I'll recognize others from classes. But at least 40 who are at this point, unknowns.

We have a lot of guys this year - I count 11 names in the roster that are pretty solidly male gendered (and another 5-6 that could be, although I assume not). We've never had more than 4-5 men. So that will definitely change the character of the training, and give me a bit more to do - when it comes to assisting the larger guys, I tend to be a little more involved than Nykki and Barb. Barb will come assist me at times in class, not get me to budge at all, and then whisper "you did not feel that, did you?" Sometimes, height and weight provide a bit of advantage on top of skill and experience.

I spent a bit of time last night revising a document that I created last year to file the student photos. Last year, I took the initiative to take quick headshots on the first day and create a training class "facebook" (just photos and names) for the training staff to use, it helped us all a lot to get to know folks faster. I started with the 2013 document, so I got to look one last time at the 2013 class of trainees as a group. As I sit in the sharing circle tomorrow night, I am sure I'll have that odd feeling of familiarity (30+ sharing circles over the years) and newness (in my mind, the class of 2013 are "the teacher trainees", not this circle of strangers) . And it will be my great pleasure to get to know them over the next six months.

So yeah, teacher training 2014. I have no idea how I got here, but I'm happy that my life has turned in this direction. Bring it on.

2013 Recap

One of the benefits of being a cranky holiday curmudgeon with a social network insufficient to drag me out on New Year's Eve is that I have the internets to myself this New Year's Day. And although 7:00 am is far from early, it should be noted that's I've already made myself breakfast (the "almost never in the larder, but left over from xmas" bacon and blueberry pancakes) and done the dishes. So I'm up and at 'em.

Once upon a time I would scroll back through this blog to recap the past year. Alas, social media has cannibalized a lot of the minutia and epherma of the blogosphere - so I'll resort to Facebook to remind myself what the past year wrought.

Recurring Events

Falcon Ridge Folk Festival (for the 20th time, I think. Or 21st. I forget). Camp Camp (third year). Both commitment I'm planing to keep for 2014. As a single person who has done a lot of traveling over the years, without a ton of money, these are perfect times to get off the grid, step out of the ordinary, and immerse myself in loving and entertaining communities. Although "working vacations" (I spend most of the "fest" time at Falcon Ridge in the merch trailer, and teach 10 yoga classes at camp) are probably something I ought to take a long hard look at.

On the yoga front, still teaching yoga, 3x a week plus occasional subs and intro classes. Still assisting with the teacher training program at the studio (since mid-way through the 2010 training; this will be my 4th full year). The studio did Om Street: Yoga on Lasalle Road again, and I (again) ran the sound system. (again with the "working vacation" theme)

On the ballooning front, I actually dragged myself out to the Frozen Buns Rally (coming up again soon), the CLAS annual dinner / banquet (on a very snowy night in Southington), and the CLAS Safety Seminar. All three are on the calendar for 2014. I have (thankfully) stayed out of management with the CT Lighter Than Air Society (although they keep trying to drag me in)

New and Notable Events

We had a pretty awesome snowstorm last February that took several days to escape from. Power and cable stayed intact, so a few days of hunkering down and nesting. I went to Boston to see a Red Sox game for the first time in decades, with the Camp Camp crew. Got down to Pennsylvania for the Trees Family Reunion for the first time in years - Falcon Ridge Folk Fest has historically conflicted about 80% of the time, but with the new fest dates, I hope to be more of a regular.

I had two natural visitors this year - a mother robin nested under my back porch, laying four eggs and fledging her chicks. And a pretty cool spider spun an orb web at my front porch over several weeks this summer. Those, along with my perennial suet cake feeder friends, provided good feedback that I'm carving out nourishing and nurturing space in my life.

And I made two runs at cleaning up my life, food wise this year - a 21 day Detox Cleanse and a 7 day juice fast (with 6 am kundalini yoga, what the hell was I thinking?) - and although both were interesting and useful, neither seemed to be the key to unlock whatever physical, psychological, and emotional impediments I bear that keep me eating poorly.

Music, Playing

My beloved Guinea Pigs kept busy this year. We started the year at MCC on Main (for the first of two gigs), opened for 41 Prospect at the Hartford Road Cafe in Manchester, played Hartford Hodge Podge, Blue Back Square, numerous farmer's markets (Wethersfield, Higganum, Billings Forge, and Bozrah, where we played without AC power), the Audubon Nature Center, and the Glastonbury Apple Harvest Festival. We snuck in an open mike appearance at Lasalle Market in December to close out the year.

In addition, I made my Camp Camp musical debut playing bass for the Scat Orrs (don't ask, it's kinda gross), the infamous camp lesbian folk rock ensemble. I also backed up one of the solo artists on bass. Lot of fun! And although I barely have memory of this, apparently I played bass for several Grateful Dead songs at a UU service in Manchester.


Although it does not really count as playing per se, I ran the sound for kirtan at West Hartford Yoga (twice) and for Little Ugly at Blue Back Square.

And broadening the category to all performance art, I did a piece at the December edition of The Mouth - the theme was "I Fought the Law" and my piece was titled Burger Prank Foiled

Music, Listening

As usual, a diverse musical year. Dervish and Deborah Voight were two "tag along with friends because I'm the one who can drive at night" shows that were nevertheless delightful. The many artists of Falcon Ridge (of course). I snuck down to the CT Folk Fest this year (which has become a mini Falcon Ridge reunion) and saw several notables, among them Honor Finnegan and Poor Old Shine.

Also, Dar Williams at the Iron Horse (twice!) as well as Meg Hutchinson. The Iron Horse has become a nice place to meet up with friends from that part of the world (holla, Amy and Patty!). Little Ugly (total age-inappropriate music crush) many times, most notably a WNPR livecast from downtown Hartford. Kate Callahan twice (once at West Hartford Yoga, once at the nascent Hartfolk Fest). String Theorie (loved 'em!). Hugh Blumenfeld's new group, The Faithful Sky at Roaring Brook Nature Center.  FRFF Emerging Artists from years ago Danny Schmidt and Carrie Elkin. And Girlfriend Project, one of my friend Julie's many musical projects.

Home Improvement

So yeah, I was a busy beaver. My friend Nykki moved into a new condo, and watching her spiff up the new place motivated me to redo my upstairs bathroom. What started out as a "slap a coat of paint on the walls" became two steps shy of a total tear-down. I replaced all the lighting fixtures, all the electrical switches, the thermostat, the towel racks and sink fixtures, the faucet and drain, and, to ice the cake, the shower curtain, towels, and rug.

In addition, I replaced an old (and never used) ceiling fan / light fixture in my kitchen with pendant lamps (dimmable LED technology), replaced my kitchen sink fixture with undercabinet light bars (which force me to clean the sink area far more often), two outdoor light flxtures (front porch and back deck) with downward facing fixtures (to reduce light pollution).

I also fabricated some spiffy shade screens for my front porch (to both block afternoon sunlight and give me some privacy from the building next door)

In the sense that ART = HOME IMPROVEMENT, I picked up some nice pieces - a series of Guinea Pigs doing yoga poses (keywords META YOGA CUTE), a beautiful photo of a blue heron in flight, an original hand-drawn bird print. My home's walls have become a nice reflection of my soul....


Toys and Consumerism

The biggies this year were sound and audio gack. I picked up a 14 channel audio mixer, 16 channel snake, and a pile of audio gear (mics, stands, monitors, power cables) - building myself up a nice little sound system. Right now it (mostly) augments the studio's sound system for kirtans, but I aspire to do more.

I also picked up a cheap ukulele (I blame Camp Camp, and my friends Eden and Kaia) and a cheap Epiphone electric guitar (I blame fellow Guinea Pig and guitar hoarder Dan)

In the non-musical territory - a tripod sunscreen / shade for Falcon ridge (intended to provide rain and sun shade for my tent, not all that effective), a small windo A/C unit for the basement office (the summer got pretty insufferable around August) 

I finally gave up and purchased a flat-screen HDTV (totally a late-acquirer, the cost came down to the point it was cheaper than my CRT television was when I bought it in the early 90's) - and with that came the decision to "cut the cord" (with HDTV, the low cost analog cable I was buying seemed kind of stupid) - I bought a cheap antenna which I hooked up on the outside of a second floor window, and that, along with a Roku box and subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu Plus, and the free apps on my iPad, are all the television I really need).

And lastly, I retired my old canister vacuum cleaner (a Kenmore unit I'd been lugging around since the mid 80's, one of my first adult purchases with my Sears credit card), replacing it with a much lighter Dirt Devil unit. I also started to use the vacuum cleaner to clean kitchen and bathroom floors (heretofore I've been sweeping them, how dumb / luddite-ish am I?). And bought the first dustbuster I've owned in 20+ years. (I had taken to using a hand broom to brush the dog hair off the bed each morning, and came to the realization that this might be one contributor to the dog hair covered rug up there). So now I vacuum my bed most mornings. TMI, I know.

Transitions

I'd note all the new babies in my life, except THERE ARE TOO DAMN MANY OF THEM. But special welcome to Nate and Freya, who parents are particularly beloved. I will say that, although there are many young children in my world, without exception their parents are amazing, healthy, sane, and full of love and life, and the world will be a better place for each of these new life journeys.

I was fortunate to have no significant deaths in my life this past year, although friends did lose parents and loved ones. RIP especially to Lola the pug; her mama moved to Califormia this past year and although we did not spend a lot of time together, she was always a bit of a guardian angel to me.

This year I decided to stop playing with the studio's kirtan group - I was finding the events to be a huge sink of energy for me; I'd end up with a 2-3 day "hangover" from each kirtan, and be filled with resentment at those who I saw as taking from me, but not sustaining me. The group has survived (with a new bass player and guitarist, apparently it takes two people to fill my seat, although both are far better musicians, and their involvement has affirmed my decision) and I've taken on a new role a sound engineer which lets me be part of it (OK, I'm still there for hours of set-up and tear-down) without draining my energy. I'm very happy with that decision. 

This year I also seem to have made a decision to stop traveling for work. It was less than conscious - it was in fact very awkward. I took a trip out to Portland, OR - and never finished the trip report, never billed the customer. I've just grown tired of that aspect of my work - I'm busy enough with the things I can do remotely, it disrupts my financial, teaching life, and travel has become such an unpleasant chore. Getting older? World changing? Life changing? Not really sure.

Finally, my yoga practice has transitioned this year into something different. I've been (over the years) a "Type A" yogi - hitting the mat 5+ times a week for a vigorous power practice. Whether it's age, the physical cost of being overweight and eating poorly, wear-and-tear from the practice, or some combination, I know I am good for maybe 2 power practices a week with a very select set of teachers. Add an angsty relationship with the community itself (and my own difficulties balancing my expectations and roles as teacher, student, friend, community member) and lack of resonance with some of the available less vigorous classes, and I'm just not spending a lot of time on the mat there.

Friends and Relationships

It's been a tough year on that front - a lot of holidays and weekends spent by myself, digging in to a cave of loneliness and self-pity. Yet there have been some highlights.

My friend Cheryl, the dark spirit of my teacher training class who terrified me (and was therefore someone I was curious about) has become such a good friend. Although we are on such different wavelengths (she runs somewhere between 4x and 10x as fast as I in just about everything - jobs, passions, living arrangements, relationships - so it's hard to keep up with her) she is nevertheless the one person who I can count on for a "how you doing?" text or an out of the blue invite for pancakes or pho. 

My friend Amy, who has transitioned from being on the periphery of my life (we've been Dar List / Dar Camp and Falcon Ridge acquaintances for many years, although truthfully she was mostly memorable for her hat and her camera for a lot of years) to being a good friend through Camp Camp and Falcon Ridge. She's helped to bridge the lonely weekends with Facebook chat and the occasional folk music foray (yeah, Iron Horse!) - and I can only admire her stamina when it comes to getting out to see live music!

And my "Little Buddy", Kaia (which she has noted, makes me "The Skipper") . I've no kids, but if I did, and could pick, she'd be atop the list - smart, talented, beautiful, real. It's been such a pleasure (and honor) to watch her life journey unfolding and she's one of those "I knew her back before she was famous" people.

Finally, my friend and teacher Barbara, who puts up with all my bullshit and flailing around (and 2013 was a big year for both) and neverthless continues to hold a place for me in the yoga teaching ranks, honors me with the opportunity to assist teacher training, makes sure I have at least one healthy meal per month, and drags my sorry ass up and down the hills of Colchester periodically, occasionally in a downpour. 

And although my single status and lack of a life partner seems to be a recurring source of struggle for me, well, there are signs of life. Faint maybe, but they are there.

In Summary

So...much as I whine and kvetch about how sucky / empty / lonely my life is - don't let that fool you. I had a pretty full and awesome year. If 2014 brings more of the same, who am I to complain?

I'm going to publish this now (while the day is young) and then go back and hyperlink the hell out of it. Because that's how I roll.

Francis Dunnery House Concert

Not what I expected. Not what I expected at all.

My friend Andrea (and her husband Charlie) hosted a social weekend - a blow out holiday party last night (mostly her neighbors and co-workers, a handful of friends from the yoga world, and the local indie fave Little Ugly, who reportedly got shut down early by the WH cops....). Today, she had invited me over for a house concert with a "singer-songwriter and story-teller", by the name of Francis Dunnery.

Now, having been a folkie (fan, musician, festival crew) for nearly 25 years, I figured I was in for some old chestnuts, some New England story-telling, something a little rustic, a little crunchy, a little earnest. You know - the meat and potatoes of every open mic and coffeehouse from Maine to Philly. I've listened politely to scores of such performers over the years, and I'm always happy to pick out a gem of a song from an evening, or rarer, discover an artist that I'd want to listen to again.

Well, I figured wrong. Francis Dunnery is not that kind of musician. Rather, he is a spiritual seeker and wise man who spent a few years fronting the art-prog-blues-fusion band It Bites, before hitting the wall of hedonistic rock n' roll lifestyle, and changing his life.

His Wikipedia page is seeded with words that resonate - addiction, recovery (not that unusual, given the music business), but then horse whisperer, carpentry, astrology, Jungian psychology. Francis Dunnery has done a hell of a lot of work.And it shows. His house concert this evening is accurately described by him (as quoted by Wikipedia) as: 

"(showing up) as a friend — you can't show up as a rock dude or something — and it’s just me and my acoustic guitar, no amplification, singing my songs and holding a 90-minute lecture on the human condition. I sing songs and tell stories of my life. It’s not a party; it’s more like going to church, but church with swearing!... (There is) an exchange of energy that I call a 'jacuzzi'. At the end of 90 minutes, everybody has dropped their ego. They don't even realise that has happened, but they have gradually taken off their clothes and gone into that energetic jacuzzi together. Something like that is a lot harder to achieve in a rock music arena."

And yeah, it was all that and more. By the end of the evening, we were talking deep yoga concepts - letting go of ego, being in the present moment. It was as if someone stepped out of an enlightenment intensive and happened to pick up a guitar on the way home. Here's a sample of today:



So impressed, I picked up three disks (which he barely seemed to want to take money for) - 2001's "Man", 2013's "Frankenstein Monster" and a 2008 DVD (recorded in 2001 or thereabouts) called "In the Garden of Mystic Lovers" I'm looking forward to spending some time listening and watching.....

Did I expect to get my spirit buzzed up this evening? No, I did not - I was probably going to spend the evening on the couch or cleaning bathrooms, but for Andrea's text this afternoon. But I did go. And it was pretty inspiring, pretty enlightening, pretty wonderful. 

Thankful

I'll admit it, I've been in a bit of a funk this year.

There's a lot in there - loneliness that make weekends and holidays difficult, injuries that have kept me out of the hot and power yoga practices that have kept me going the past many years, an awareness of time moving past, less than healthy eating, and all of it wrapped around a core of struggle that has made me a bit of a curmudgeon, a bit of a misanthrope.

And yet, there is much to be grateful for.

I'm grateful for my home - so many of my friends struggle to find housing, have roommates that are not always nurturing, or are unrooted. I bought my condo four years ago and it's become a little nest - space to work, space to practice, space for my dog, space to relax and unwind. It's not always rarely clean throughout, but I keep at least 1-2 spaces presentable.

I'm grateful for Elo, my little dog. When I moved into this place I was not expecting to bring him with me - thinking he'd not do well alone, in a condo, without a back yard to run in. But he's done well - not too barky, not too neurotic, and a good excuse to get me out for a long walk every day. So often when I've felt down and alone, his warm body and brown eyes keep me going.

I'm grateful for my band. Who would have guessed that 30+ years from high school and college, when music was such a big part of my life, that I'd still have the opportunity to pick up a guitar, pick up a bass, and make some music. We play and rehearse enough to keep the music tight and enjoyable, but not so much as to overwhelm and burn out.

I'm grateful for my teacher, and my practice. While yoga has become a place of struggle for me over the past year, and is no longer my daily addiction. I continue to be grateful for the opportunity to practice, and the opportunity to teach. And I am grateful for a community that is tolerant of my recent thrashing around and lashing out, and does not seem interested in letting me disappear.

I am grateful for my work and my clients - it has been 15 years since I unfurled my business banner and launched my engineering practice. I am admittedly spoiled for a regular 40 hour a week, 9-5 job now, but I am grateful for enough work to pay my bills and live my life, yet gives me plenty of space for yoga, for music, for folk fests and weeks at camp.

I am grateful for my friends. I am not particularly gregarious - and struggle to find people and communities in which I feel at home. So my friends who have been there and hung on, who have space in their lives for an occasional call, a text message, or a Facebook message, are precious to me. 

I am grateful for folk music, and the Falcon Ridge Folk Fest. Who could have predicted that when I rolled into the fest back in '98 (or was it '97?), parked my little Mazda along the creek line at Long Hill Farm, that I'd be meeting people and joining a community that would be with me for 25+ years.

Along those lines, I am grateful for social media. As much as Falcon Ridge has been a regular part of my life, it took Facebook to turn that precious week in July into a 52 week a year community. I'm a bit of a Facebook crank (not really accepting friend requests from folks I have not met in person) and yet I've ended up with 550+ friends, reaching across the country. Part of that is diversity (yoga, Falcon Ridge, Camp Camp, music, history) yet the connection (however tenuous or virtual) to a circle of others is precious.

I am grateful for my family. So many folks who have taken my journey have lost family. While I miss having a huge extended family nearby, and my nuclear family is somewhat distant, they are always there for me. I'm heading up for a visit later this morning.

I'm sure I am forgetting many things - communities, people, opportunities, comforts. But even so, there is much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving Day.

Seven Day Chakra Karma Cleanse

Today, Sunday, marks the final day of a seven day cleanse for me.

Since Monday, I've been hitting a 6 am (eep!) Kundalini yoga class led by Marcia Vallier. And my only nourishment has been a selection of juices, broths, and elixers supplied by Karma Cleanse in Bloomfield.  It's been an interesting week, with a lot of self (re)discovery / realization. Some initial thoughts.

Juice Cleanse

This was a good program for me - I'm not good at food prep and managing / preparing this sort of thing. So I'd be more than likely to step back from the cleanse for lack of an ingredient, or a tool (like a juicer), or a simply laziness / fatigue. But  Alicia at Karma Cleanse brought us a "six-pack" of bottles each day (supplemented by fresh solid food today) - typically three juices, two "healing broths" and an herbal tea. So there was nothing to prepare - just open the freshly juiced / brewed concoction and consume, clean the bottle, and return the next day. Just my speed.

The juices were aligned to the seven chakra's (each day's practice focused on a particular chakra) - so on Day #1 we had a red beet based juice, Day #2 was a carrot based, Day #3 was a delicious pineapple (with cayenne for kick!), Day #4 was green (apple?), Day #5 was blueberry based. It seemed a little forced to me (choosing a product based on "chakra color" rather than cleansing properties) although I was willing to suspend disbelief for the duration. Regardless of the sequence, the variety was most welcome and all of the juices were pleasant, flavorful, and nourishing.  In addition, each mid-day juice was a mixed greens juice (little less sweet, very nourishing).

The healing broth was delicious and warming, and the last few days has included a small amount of quinoa, a welcome addition. And the teas varied - lemongrass, ginger, etc. and were tasty either cold or warm. I'm not sure I can afford (nor logistically manage) a regular integration of the Karma Cleanse products into my diet, but I'd certainly pick up a few days worth for an occasional short cleanse. A very high quality product, well packaged and marketed, and quite tasty and refreshing.

Kundalini Yoga

I've said it before, and I will say it again - Kundalini Yoga drives me crazy. It would not be my first choice for a cleanse or series. Mostly, I feel as if I move into my body / spine with quick, jerky motions long before I am really warm and even when warm it feels a bit rough / risky. In addition, the various arm positions crank right into shoulder injuries and limitations. So I spent the week working through and around a lot of stuff related to the practice, but really I had no problems with it.

What I *do* like about Kundalini is the internal / spiritual practice (lot of time to pause and go inward), the chanting / singing, the energetic aspects. And I adore Marcia as a teacher and a person - with my recent shoulder limitations and various other ailments / struggle, I've stayed away from her power classes, so it was a treat to work with her for a week straight. And as much as I growled about 6 am yoga (usually via humorously cranky Facebook updates), I am in truth a morning person and driving home at 7:15 am with the day in front of me was a good feeling.

Personal Observations

I was surprisingly not all that miserable throughout the cleanse. Monday was a tough day - low grade headache, fatigue, crankiness. I got through the morning yoga and my 9 am class, and then spent a lot of the day vegging out and watching Netflix (Ken Burns' Civil War, for the second time, for those interested).

The rest of the week I was surprisingly not suffering serious detox symptoms. I was low energy most of the week (I compared it to going into hibernation) and fortunately work was kind of slow - so I picked off the things that came in, took a few meetings, but did not push ahead any big projects. Worked for me. I think that I was not all that "detoxy" because the juice based cleanse was high enough in sugars (fruit based) and while my past habits have been pretty horrible in terms of gluten, dairy, fast / fried food, sugar-free sodas, giving my body a regular dose of higher quality sugars made me happy enough. That suspicion was supported by my hamstrings (which got pretty tight during the cleanse week, although they have eased off a bit). The past few days I've been a little light-headed, not really dizzy, just a little floating.

I totally blew off regular yoga this week - spending some time on the mat prior to teaching but not doing any formal classes - because I felt like I needed the break, and that feels like the right decision. Going to hit a class this afternoon, although not a hot / power class quite yet.

So what does it all mean to me? When it comes to healthy eating / food / nutrition, I've been through everything, often twice: mindful based eating, detox cleanse, a week at Kripalu doing a healthy eating workshop, a juice cleanse (with betamite clay for colon clearing), Weight Watchers. (and in the case of the whole foods heavy WHY Teacher Training, 4 times, once as a trainee, thrice as an assistant) - so it's not about information - it's mostly will and getting past psychological and emotional blocks. Mostly, I'm planning to use this week as a line of demarcation - trying to lose bad habits (pre-cleanse) and develop some good habits (post-cleanse) - the cleanse gives me a little bit of space and perspective that a "starting Monday morning I'm going to change" approach, or a "small incremental changes" approach have so far failed to provide.

One thing that became clear, this week as well as in a previous detox cleanse, was how much I use my meals as the tent pole "structure" and reward of my daily life. Being self employed and tending towards a bit of introversion, I could go entire days with zero human contact other than when I am teaching or visiting the studio to practice. So the simple interaction of a restaurant worker or check-out person becomes a kind of precious daily contact for me. I need desperately to put in place some other mechanisms for human contact that do not involve purchasing (usually unhealthy) food.

My plan going forward: I'm going to ease back into real food - picking up some organic broths and soups and continuing that for at least one daily meal. While I do not feel particularly sensitive to things like dairy, gluten, etc. I'm planning to switch to a rice based mild substitute for the small bits of dairy I use, and to work with healthy grains (brown rice, millet, quinoa) as a meal base. I'm not going vegetarian, but I do plan to cut back on animal protein, and use more beans. And of course, working with more fresh veggies (green and otherwise) and fruits. I'll still eat crap on occasion but the emphasis here is "on occasion" - 1-2 meals a week, either socially or when my schedule keeps me away from home at meal times.

In summary: a really positive experience - totally manageable, realistic, and enriching. While my sundry and myriad aches, pains, injuries and limitations remain active, I do feel lighter, brighter, and more positive. With 2014 teacher training coming up in two short months, I'm motivated to eat healthier, strengthen my asana practice, and get healthier. Let's see where things go from here....

Kirtan No More

I last played Kirtan with Shankara / West Hartford Yoga back in December 2012. It was my last with the group. We had some internal group dynamic stuff going on (the percussionists left the ensemble immediately after that kirtan) and I also had some personal stuff going on - was not 100% happy with the direction of the group (I'm not a big fan of guru-worship, and the altars were getting higher and higher) and I was finding myself so emotionally and spiritually drained following a kirtan that I was physically wrecked for 2-3 days following.


Bottom line: I was giving a lot more than I was receiving, I was becoming resentful of that, and I was not really that invested in the whole thing. It was time to step back. I left on good terms, and have volunteered to set-up and run the sound system for upcoming kirtan events.

Shankara has gathered a new group of musicians, and is getting ready for a Kirtan on October 12. You can keep track of the group on Facebook, here.




It was way back in 2007 that I stepped shyly to Shankara and mentioned that I played guitar "just in case you need someone" - we've had a long and fruitful musical relationship, and it re-awakened my own musical passion that eventually evolved to coming back to the bass and joining the Guinea Pigs. But it was time to move on. Hopefully, Shankara has benefited with renewed energy and ideas from his new ensemble. I'm still trying to figure out what is next in my life - and stepping back from kirtan was one place I'm "making space" for something new.....

Folk Fest vs. Camp

As I unpack from Falcon Ridge and start to prep for a week at camp, it's interesting to note the differences in terms of what I need for each. Mostly, I take a lot more to Falcon Ridge; the car will be much less crammed for Camp.

Things I'm not Bringing to Camp that I took to Falcon Ridge

1) Tent
2) Dining Fly / Tarp (with poles, stakes, tie downs, etc.)
3) Plastic tubs (2) for yoga supplies
4) Cooler
5) Merch trailer bin with printer, paper, ink, etc.
6) Laptop
7) 3 of 4 folding chairs (I'll bring one along)
8) Air mattress, pump (they have mattresses and bunks)
9) Cintronella bucket candles
10) Big Pile o' tarps
11) Folding Table

12) Tool bag
13) Inflatable Orca (aka Fudgie)
14) Alcohol, Cranberry Juice, Seltzer / Tonic Water, and Limes
15) A wash basin

Things I Bring to Both Folk Fest and Camp

1) Sleeping bag
2) Sheets and pillow
3) Towels
3) Musical instrument(s)
4) Yoga mats and props
5) Folding wagon
 6) Food (we have a little lawn party at Sappho beach, but probably less food than I brought to Falcon Ridge)

Even with some extra clothing (Camp has a barn dance, disco dance, and a tea dance, all of which require some sort of fashion statement) I ought to have plenty of room in the car up to Maine. 

Falcon Ridge 2013 - Part I

Back from the hills of Falcon Ridge. Before I sum up my week in folk heaven, let's let the Grand Slambovians and photographer Neale Eckstein put it all in perspective. This song, and video, totally gets it, and made me cry watching it.

 
So first off, my experience of Falcon Ridge is highly atypical. As a crew chief for the performer merchandise crew, I spend most of the festival in a trailer behind the Festival Merchandise tent, working. My days are long. I lead a yoga practice each morning (7:30 - 8:30 am), stop by the volunteer kitchen for some breakfast, and then head over to the merch trailer for 9:00 am opening. We check-in CDs, move everything from the trailers to the tent until 11 am when the tent opens for business. And then we hang out, keeping an eye on the stock in the tent, checking performers in and out throughout the day, coordinating artist signings, etc. Just before 11 pm, we pack up all the merch in boxes and ake it out to the trailers for safe keeping overnight.

Now, it's not all work. Our trailer is within earshot of main stage so I hear a lot of music; I step away from time to time to cruise the midway, grab a shower, head back to the campsite for a few.  And I get to interact with nearly all of the performers at some point, which is lovely. When amazing folks like Dan Navarro, Vance Gilbert and Eliza Gilkyson great you fondly with a hug and remember you from previous years, it's a nice treat.

But yeah, in terms of dancing, sitting in front of a stage, wandering the festival grounds at night looking for a song circle - not so much. Just too busy and my downtime over the weekend is a precious opportunity to restore and recharge.  Nevertheless, I always have some magic moments at the fest, and this year was no exception.

This was a good Nields year for me. At one point, Nerissa's young daughter was busking with her violin in the midway, and the image of this young girl working through a practiced tune (with all the fits and starts and missed notes of an earnest beginner) while mom sat back and proudly listened just filled me with joy. It was very sweet. Similarly, the pre-teen supergroup Belle Amie (consisting of Amelia Nields Chalfant, Isabella Deherdt, and Alouette Battea) was wonderful to watch all weekend - a short set after the Emerging Artist showcase, signing CDs in the merch tent, several back-up opportunities, and Amelia joining her mom and aunt on stage) was adorable and heart-warming. One of the few times I stood in front of  Main Stage was for the Nields (that was me dancing with my rainbow umbrella), and I caught a bit of  their family stage set which made me feel like a happy 6 year old. So yeah - the Nields. I caught them at the start of their career (in the 66 Hoxie Street days) and have been a fan ever since. So lovely to see them still vibrant and nurturing the next generation.

Susan Werner was also a highlight this year. I'll confess, I have never really "gotten" Susan; friends swear by her and I've listened, but it's never clicked. This year, listening to her (abetted by Red Molly) singing "May I Suggest" broke my heart wide open. I definitely need to give her another listen, especially her new CD Hayseed, and her newish live CD. Here's a short clip.

Susan ended up signing and meeting her fans for 2.5 hours on Saturday - an amazing sight. Everyone got a hug and some personal attention, she knew names of kids and life circumstances, she must have handed out close to a dozen CDs (which we furiously attempted to keep track of) and she promised to put at least that many folks on the guest list of her next show in their town. So if I've fallen in love with Susan Werner this weekend, you know why.

I taught yoga again this year. In a lot of ways, I owe my career as a yoga teacher to Falcon Ridge, must have been 2006 and 2007 when I first found myself inadvertently leading a practice (I was doing my personal practice and several folks were kind of following along) which planted the teacher training seed in my mind. So keeping morning yoga at Falcon Ridge is very important to me. I failed to put up a sign this year (just got too busy) but my 2012 sign magically appeared on the info board, and I ended up with 10-12 students each morning. Was quite lovely. And the new big tough plastic bins I purchased to stash my mats and props in worked perfectly - keeping things dry through multiple showers and the nightly dew.

Affirmed and Disappointed

My beloved Guinea Pigs played a gig yesterday at Billings Forge Farmers' Market. It's a lovely, small urban market, on Broad Street in downtown Hartford. There were a half dozen or so local farms, some products and crafts, and a handful of food trucks (including my fave, G-Monkey, from which I procured a hearty serving of cold peanut soba noodles, yum!)

We've played this particular market the past few years and it's always a fave for us, with friends and fans stopping by, and folks from the local arts and business community stopping in for lunch or their dose of fresh produce. The market itself serves the local community by accepting SNAP / WIC benefits for fresh local food, and doubling their value for produce purchased at the market (which admittedly does sell for a premium compared to the local mega-supermarket, not that there are many of those in Hartford)

I was affirmed a bit yesterday - a young woman who described herself as a "yoga newbie" recognized me from the studio, and perhaps seeing a free-spirit, artistic side of me that I rarely admit or see in myself, commented that "I need to get more creative in my life". Whatever stories I happen to be telling myself about who I am and how I live my life, I rarely would call myself creative or artistic. Yet this young woman, with her simple "I wish I were more like you" musing, held a mirror up to my own life, especially the choices of the past decade or so. It was very sweet and affirming.

And I was disappointed yesterday. I serve and belong to a "community" through my yoga practice, yet I can count on one hand the times a friend from that world has taken the time to support me, to come see my band play. Occasionally people stumble across me, but only 1-2 times has someone come specifically to see us. I know we're mostly east of the river, so when we do come to this part of town, I guess it sparks a little hope that "this time I might see a familiar face" of the 100s on my Facebook friends list. I'd guess that fewer than 2% of the locals on my 480+ Facebook friends list have ever come to hear me play despite my sharing every single gig since 2010.

I need to look at that a little. Part of it is certainly my own compartmentalizing my life / lives - with separate communities for music, for yoga, for GLBT, for ballooning, with a handful of people, events, and venues that overlap. Part of that is my own strong nature and ability to stand on my own two feet without a lot of support - the folks with needs and crisis and struggle seem to attract and receive both attention and love. And part of that is the complexity of boundaries and relationships in a world where I am teacher, student, client, friend, and employee, and pull back a bit to keep from getting enmeshed in drama.

But over and over, that part of my world continues to break my heart. 

Sneaking Up on It

There is an old adage:

Q: How does one eat an elephant? A: One bite at a time.

It's something I've used in the past - my "major life project", which takes those with money, privilege, resources a year or two, took me the better part of a decade. It was almost too difficult to look it in the eye, to openly set it as a goal way back when, because it seemed so out of reach financially, logistically. And yet, I started nibbling at the edges, working on the things I could with the time and resources I had. It took 7 or 8 years, but the result was a gender transition that was more organic, less affected, with a lot less struggle and drama than most such journeys.  And when fortune smiled on me with a once in a lifetime opportunity, I was ready to go.

Today, Fed Ex ground dropped off a large box. Inside, 10 yoga blankets, purple and red. Yoga Direct does not really have the highest quality products, but the price is right and there was a 30% off sale.

And as I was opening the box, inspecting the blankets, shaking out the lint and refolding them, it struck me - I might just be doing it again. I realized that I've got the makings of a small yoga studio: blankets, blocks, straps, mats, tennis balls.

I've picked these things up over the years for various reasons. My first "free" classes at my old office precipitated the mat purchase. Teaching adult ed yoga drove me to invest in blocks and straps. I picked up tennis balls as a low cost alternative to Jill Miller's Yoga Tune-up balls.

And I bring the props as I travel - leading an early morning gentle practice at the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival, leading two classes a day at GLBT summer camp for adults, Camp Camp.

One of the benefits of a mindful life, of the physical and spiritual practice, and of having more than a few miles on the odometer, is that I begin to notice the patterns, to sense the winds of change in the moment rather than in the rear view mirror.

Not saying I'm opening a studio, that this is a concrete goal or even a dream that I am working towards. And yet, I'm  conscious of pieces falling into place, of a subtle shift in the winds. I'm aware of me, sneaking up on something.

Losing My Religion (That's me in the corner)

Actually, I've got no religion to lose. I am, however, not doing a lot of formal yoga these days. Which is worse, in a lot of ways. 

I have been a power yoga junkie - back 5-6 years I was on my mat, sweating it out 5-6 times a week. And although my body would complain now and then (occasional back issues, shoulder issues) I've been fairly resilient through it all.

But the past few months I've been struggling. A dose of left foot plantar fasciitis has made down dog, crescent lunge, and warrior I torturous - feels as if I am planting my left heel on a 2" nail. I've been doing exercises, babying my feet, wearing supportive shoes, etc. and modifying my practice - but its the sort of thing one needs to rest and recover with, and teaching barefoot 3-4 times a week and practicing daily does not leave much space for healing. 

On top of that, my left shoulder has been creaky and cranky - I think I've narrowed it down to a strained left bicep. My right shoulder is always a bit wonky but now with two shoulders in for repair, things like chaturanga or shoulder openers are iffy.

So, bottom line, I am totally avoiding hot / power yoga, anything with sun salutations. There are a few All Levels teachers I can work with but its been mostly gentle, yin, restorative for me. And since the studio is down a few teachers - it's been hot or miss for me taking a formal class. And my yoga space is presently a shambles (seasonal clothing swap) so finding practice space at home is a bit of a challenge.

Odd though. I've been cleaning up a lot of stuff in my life - sorted out some financial struggles, completely cleaned my condo, reworked my main bath, caught up on work. My yoga these days seems a lot less asana based and more "in the world". Nothing wrong with that, although I'd like to get my sorry ass back into a hot / power class soon!

I Can Do Anything Good!

For whatever reason, this has been the winter of my discontent. I've been sluggish, malaise-filled, depressed, down, dour, cranky,  stuck - you name it, that's been me. There's a lot in there - financial stress, aging, feeling the loss of being childless in a community that is spilling over with infants and toddlers, feeling the lack of relationship amongst so many coupled friends, feeling the lack of a queer community.

And suddenly, April 1, for no good reason, I've felt my load lighten. Maybe the trickster spirit of April Fools has come along to give me a boost. Maybe the warmer weather, and promises of more to come, have freed up some space.

I've decided to make April a month of change and commitment - committing to tweeting 30 days of gratitude (and using that in my practice and meditation throughout the day), committing to 30 days of practice at the studio (starting with Barbara's power class this evening at 6:00 pm). I've opted out of directly and specifically changing my food / eating, because, frankly, I've done that, over and over. I think I'm too resistant, and too savvy to buy in to any sort of eating change - I've done weight watchers (multiple times), 21 day detox, fasting, mindfulness based eating awareness (an eight week series), a week retreat at Kripalu, six months of teacher training with a heavy whole food component. Nothing changes. So.....maybe it's time to distract myself, to look elsewhere for change, and hope the food / eating component comes along.

It's hard to say if things will stick, but it's been a good day. I've cleared up a few financial messes (having misplaced or lost a few key credit / debit cards, now replaced. I've got my April 1 billing out promptly. I've cleared out a whole laundry list of little website issues that have plagued my big web client:  a drop down menu that was not touch / ipad friendly, a pile of little encoding issues, some CSS that was wonky across platforms, a couple of page features that clients wanted but I had not figured out until now.

So....looking ahead to a good month. I feel a lot like little Jessica!

Tell Me Your Name Again....

I have this issue with people. I'm pretty sure I have exceeded my mind's capacity to retain and remember all the people in my life.

Let's see - I teach yoga. There are perhaps 60-80 people I see each week, some weekly, some occasionally, some just once or a few times. I never really get to know their names; when a regular comes in early and I can sneak out to the desk I can match a name to a person, but I'm not all that good at keeping it all straight.

Then of course, there are all the yoga teacher trainees. 48 this year, 35 or so in 2010, 2011, 2012. That's a good 120 folks to remember - and I really do struggle with many.

I move through other worlds - music (my other members of my band, the Guinea Pigs, belong to the same UU church and many of our fans come from there), ballooning (probably 50-60 people), camp (250 or so, with a broader community of past campers), and my folk festival (perhaps a core of 40 key volunteers, with another 100 or so I ought to remember but usually do not). Add in musicians I meet, folks in the local arts, cultural and GLBT worlds, folks in the greater spiritual / yoga world. And of course, my extended family - a child of two roman catholics, I have close over 50 first cousins, and now they are breeding. It's way too much.

I have (as of this morning) 466 Facebook friends, and that's even a bit low, since I (a) almost never reach out to friend people myself and (b) accept friend invitations only from folks I have actually met in real life.

Last night, at our gig, a woman who clearly knows me came up, grabbed a hug. I had no idea. Turns out she is a friend of the other band members (goes to UU church), has a yogic name (shakti) and is on the merch crew at Falcon Ridge. I had no freaking idea.

This is a problem. Not sure how to deal with it, but it's annoying, inconsiderate, and kind of rude.

Kumare: Fake Guru. Real Truth.

Casting about for something to watch on Netflix streaming, I stumbled across this 2011 gem. How I missed it when it came through theaters, I am not sure, but so happy I found it. Movie website here. Kumare (the guru, not the movie) website here. IMDB page here.

 

Was not sure what I would get. The premise - american born, Indian heritage film-maker Vikram Gandhi, who appears to have done a bit of searching (and yoga) in his life, decides to do a little social experiment. Creating a spiritual teacher or guru, Kumare, out of thin air - he begins to move through the world (and more specifically, through the Phoenix AZ area) as Kumare and see what happens. Along the way he encounters a fair number of yoga studios, seeker, followers. 

Now, as a yoga teacher, I find myself surrounded by gurus and spiritual seekers who sit at their feet. It was *very* close to home on many fronts - the many yoga studios, the festivals and events, the various ashrams and communities. There's even a kirtan. Hey, that's me up there, playing guitar.And when a quite beautiful adherent in an unhappy marriage practically offers herself to him (he makes a reference to his bedroom) you can quite see how so many purportedly real gurus give in to the power. It's never quite stated, but one is left with the feeling that Vikram did not give in to this temptation.

And there is a lot of pretty sharp commentary and laughter here too - when one guru confesses that he sees nothing amiss with sleeping with beautiful young followers, yeah, we get that. When someone working with sound starts working over Kumare with a car buffer - it's a WTF moment. And yet, when Kumare visits a community of believers along the fringes (alien abduction and interplanetary channeling) he (Vikram) seems respectful.

Eventually, Kumare finds himself in the center of a circle of disciples or followers, and he begins (in earnest) the task of preparing his followers for his eventual "un-masking" - that is, to reveal himself and his deception. 

It is a fascinating and amazing piece of legerdemain, and film-making. Abetted by two attractive assistants (and what guru does not have his/her close associates or confidants) and adopting an amazingly on target guru personna (simple clothing, long hair and beard, an ever-present staff, and a little woven suitcase that was adorable and ludicrous), "Kumare" teaches his truth - that he is not who he says he is, that there is an inner guru, that there is no guru, no buddha. 

It's deep, metaphysical, and self-referential. It's funny, and sad, and heart-warming, and scary. I loved it. Loved it. 

The most amazing thing was the transformation of Vikram himself - who begins to realize that he is a much happier, better person in his Kumare personna, and begins to truly care for and love his followers. He's not going to step out lightly - but agonizes over if and how to end his project.  At one point he confesses that he actually sees and feels the "Blue Light" (a conceit he knows that he has invented). And when he orchestrates a "great unmasking" where he hopes to reveal his true identity, he's unable to do it.  

Finally, there is a "tribal council" type reveal - in a large room all the followers watch a farewell video from "Kumare" and then meet the newly shorn, shaved, and westernized Vikram. You watch one follower run to hug him, another sneak out the side door, never to return. Out of 14 followers, 10 have remained in contact and friendly.


It's such an amazing look at the world of yoga, of spiritual seekers, of gurus. And I loved the way the films focus shifted from the perspective of perhaps attempting to unpants the false gurus to respecting communities, belief, and the path. One comment I found on Facebook discusses "The Trickster" face of god, and yeah. Trickster energy, in spades.

Watch it if you can!