I Can Do Anything Good!

For whatever reason, this has been the winter of my discontent. I've been sluggish, malaise-filled, depressed, down, dour, cranky,  stuck - you name it, that's been me. There's a lot in there - financial stress, aging, feeling the loss of being childless in a community that is spilling over with infants and toddlers, feeling the lack of relationship amongst so many coupled friends, feeling the lack of a queer community.

And suddenly, April 1, for no good reason, I've felt my load lighten. Maybe the trickster spirit of April Fools has come along to give me a boost. Maybe the warmer weather, and promises of more to come, have freed up some space.

I've decided to make April a month of change and commitment - committing to tweeting 30 days of gratitude (and using that in my practice and meditation throughout the day), committing to 30 days of practice at the studio (starting with Barbara's power class this evening at 6:00 pm). I've opted out of directly and specifically changing my food / eating, because, frankly, I've done that, over and over. I think I'm too resistant, and too savvy to buy in to any sort of eating change - I've done weight watchers (multiple times), 21 day detox, fasting, mindfulness based eating awareness (an eight week series), a week retreat at Kripalu, six months of teacher training with a heavy whole food component. Nothing changes. So.....maybe it's time to distract myself, to look elsewhere for change, and hope the food / eating component comes along.

It's hard to say if things will stick, but it's been a good day. I've cleared up a few financial messes (having misplaced or lost a few key credit / debit cards, now replaced. I've got my April 1 billing out promptly. I've cleared out a whole laundry list of little website issues that have plagued my big web client:  a drop down menu that was not touch / ipad friendly, a pile of little encoding issues, some CSS that was wonky across platforms, a couple of page features that clients wanted but I had not figured out until now.

So....looking ahead to a good month. I feel a lot like little Jessica!

Weekend Report Card

Holiday Weekends are usually tough for me - I tend not to have a lot of invites to social events, no nearby family, so I watch the parade of happy picnic, party and travel photos on Facebook with a bit of sadness. 

That being said, the weekend was pretty reasonable. Got a lot of chores done - interior plants refreshed and renewed, exterior plants purchased and transplanted. I installed a window A/C unit in the bedroom, thoroughly cleaned multiple rooms (bedroom, yoga room, living room).

Went to a movie (MIB3) as well as a play (The Tempest) - got some chores done for a friend (some transplanting of large houseplants and a window A/C unit installed). Couple of (not so healthy) meals out - Doogies with a friend (his first time), as well as The Counter (my first time). Guinea Pigs rehearsal on Friday. Taught yoga on Friday and Monday, and did some private training work on Saturday. Met up with some friends on Saturday for an informal birthday hangout at Elizabeth Park.

Today (Monday) was really the bleah day - taught my class, and vegged for much of mid-day (heat) before cleaning the living room and  seeking some A/C at the movies. Hope to get the kitchen cleaned up this evening.

Still on the list: Kitchen cleaning. Bathroom(s) cleaning. Laundry room cleaning. Office cleaning. Changeover seasonal clothes. And a small pile of long delayed work projects I hope to bang out this week, while my big client remains off line. Once he's back in the office (next weekend or Monday) I suspect the floodgates will open and I'll have quite the work backlog moving into June.

Back in My Life

My sickness has fallen by the wayside - a solid week of misery has been replaced with a little congestion (possibly allergies) and good energy. I'm back on the mat, back teaching, all that.

I think the combination of a week of downtime, the cleanse / detox of a colonoscopy prep, and the start of daylight savings time abetted my recovery. While I do not feel debilitated by seasonal affected disorder, I certainly do thrive with more daylight and the sunny, warm weather we have been enjoying.

This weekend, back in the studio for teacher training. Being there is a bit of a grind: long days, lot of energy drain, lot of time on my feet. But worth every second!

Sick Sick Sick

Two posts in a row. I am on a roll....

I've spent the last week in a spring detox period of illness. I last hit the mat on Monday the 5th, and Barb's strong deep practice unleashed a healing crisis of sorts - I got sick as a dog. Two days of serious laryngitis is still clearing up, and kept me from teaching all week. Not sure I've ever subbed out a week's worth of classes. I was mostly bed ridden or moping around the house. Elo got his walks, and I'd go out for meals or shopping, but I had almost no human contact all week.

I did find myself starting to clean and purge. Laundry got done and the pile of things on the "to be hung up" pile got hung up, the kitchen was cleaned, the yoga room, bedroom, living room all cleaned thoroughly. I paid bills, filed receipts and bills, put things away. Cleaned up the back deck, ready for planting and grilling. My friend came over and traded a blender for a crock pot and rice cooker. I took a pile of heavy copper wire that I've been carrying around for a decade to the metal recycling place and got $13.

Finally pulling out. A colonoscopy on Monday required a cleanse, that helped even as it was annoying. Gentle yoga last night with Achala. Power this morning with Nykki. I've got my life and my body back....

A Long, Cold, Dark, and Wasted Week

I lost power here in New Britain for most of the past week. Power went out early in the storm (Saturday afternoon, around 4 pm) and returned Friday evening around 5 pm. Here's a brief synopsis.

As soon as power went out, I ran out to find some propane canisters - I've stopped bringing the stove and lantern to my folk fest so I was out - and was able to pick up a couple. I also had (coincidentally) gotten a full tank of gas the day before, which helped a lot in the first few days.

At first, I was fairly well situated. I have a bunch of camping lanterns (LED based, they go forever) and a propane stove. My house is all electric, but the hot water tank held up for a few days. And although the house got cold, I opened up the blinds during the day to solar heat, and had a bed dog. So all in all, not so bad. I was able to make my morning coffee and oatmeal on the propane stove, cooked a few simple meals, and got the rest to go. The yoga studio had power through Tuesday morning, so I grabbed showers on Sunday - Tuesday when I was there to work, practice, or teach. On Sunday, I cleaned out the fridge - tossed a lot, and put the rest on ice / snow in the cooler on the back porch. It kept cold fine all week. And at least I got the fridge cleaned out.

Of course I had my iPhone, and the networks stayed up, so I was able to communicate, commiserate, and see everyone's struggles via Facebook. Definitely a 2011 spin on the "great power outage" - back in the day we'd only have newspaper and radio....

Nights were pretty cold but with an extra blanket and a warm dog, I was fine. And WNPR was my savior - I had no battery powered radio, but I cobbled together an old AM/FM armband thing I used to use when I roller bladed with a battery powered speaker I use for my iPod - and had plenty of radio all week. I'm going to invest in a couple of small battery powered radios when all this is over...

Tuesday morning, the yoga studio lost power. And that evening, something snapped. I realized I was falling behind on work, my main client was getting antsy, so I packed my desktop into my car and took Elo up to MA to visit grandma (who had power and internet). I stayed up there two nights - getting caught up on work, taking a few warm showers, and taking care of a lot of mom's little chores (programming two remotes, installing her casino software on her new computer, flipping her mattress, etc.)

I came back Thursday - my ex Zippy got power back so I assumed I was not far behind, but alas, no. So I set my office back up in the dark, and hunkered down. Thursday night slept at home. Went out to balloon Friday morning (too windy) but we did watch the Farmington fired department roll past in force en route to an apartment fire near Brickyard Road. But when my CL&P "power restore" time came and went (Friday morning, 8:30 am) I decided to punt once again; packing up Elo to stay with Zippy Friday night. I ended up working off my room and board by lopping, chopping, and chainsawing a large tree branch that came down in his yard.

When I got back to the condo Saturday morning, power (and cable) was back, judging from the thermostat timers it was restored Friday night at 5:00 pm. The weekend was busy (balloon chasing, tree cleanup, hiking) so I'm really just getting my life back together now.

West Hartford Yoga remained without power as of yesterday - I teach 2x today so we'll see if there is power this morning. But slowly, life is getting back to normal.

Even Yoginis Get the Blues

It was a sucky day.

It was the kind of day where I did not encounter another living human being - not on the phone, not via email or text, not in person. If it weren't for a trip out to grab some lunch and a run to Real Art Ways to catch a film, I might have believed myself the only human left on the planet.

Even Real Art Ways, where I went to see "Shut Up Little Man", was a bit depressing - I was the only person in the theater. As if I needed a reminder of how alone I am.

I stayed out of the yoga studio - because I knew the moment I hit the mat I would dissolve into tears, and I really did not want to be the spectacle du jour. And at times, being there with the community, the interconnectedness, only serves to remind me of my own separateness.

So yeah, sucky day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Holed Up

Think it was last Thursday; there was a lot going on in Hartford and friends were posting all over Twitter, Facebook, the blogosphere - Billings Forge, the Wadsworth, an art openings, music. Any one of those might have lured me out. But I was up to my usual tricks - spent the day working with clients in Essex and the evening on the yoga mat - by the time 8 pm rolled around I was done. came home, grabbed some food, spent some time unwinding and puttering, and went to bed.

And I realized that I've been kind of holed up, withdrawn. It's been months since I've done anything randomly social (creative cocktail hour, Phoenix After Hours). I completely blew off the Jazz Fest and Monday Night Jazz. I rarely make it north of New Britain Avenue, forget going all the way into Hartford.

Part of that is busy life - folk fest takes a lot out of me and the weekend after was a family reunion. There's been a bunch of work to catch up on in between those, as well as plenty of time teaching and practicing yoga. My condo is a mess; I've been slowly picking away at that. And the summer heat (I recently installed a small window A/C unit in the bedroom, but the house / office does not have AC) has been a bit draining.

I feel a bit more social stirring, and I suspect I'll be popping back up in the world soon. One more summer obligation / vacation (a week in Maine, teaching yoga at GLBT summer camp), and then the fall, and perhaps the emergence of Jude from her cave....

Holiday Weekends

These summertime, long weekend holidays - Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day - are toughies. I am typically fighting a low grade depression as these things come round each year.

Part of that is, as a single person, not tied in to a traditional / local family unit, I rarely have someplace special to go or big plans. While much of society is off to the beach, a family cook-out, a barbeque, or the like, I'm often at loose ends. This year, I got an invite to a cookout with friends on Monday; I'm also teaching yoga Monday morning. Today was balloon chasing and then a day of vegging and cleaning; hit the GLBT film fest tonight. Tomorrow I hope to hit the mat, and perhaps find myself on the trail in the afternoon. So my weekend has filled up. But I still feel somewhat disconnected.

Another aspect is, as a single and self employed person, I'm fairly disconnected from the cultural shift towards summer mode. The end of the school year does not really impact me. Nor do I take much in the way of formal vacation. So the way these holidays are seasonal milestones for many is less meaningful to me.

I guess there is a nagging feeling that, were I to stop trying to stay connected, I could easily drop out for the 72 hours of this particular holiday, and I'd not be much missed. And even as I do find places to be, I feel very much like a 5th wheel, a spectator, a hanger-on. The undertow of these feelings is not particularly healthy or helpful, but it needs to be acknowledged.

Mostly, I just try to hang in there and not sink into too much lethargy. Tuesday will come and with it, a drop back in to the normal and comfortable rhythms of life. Just kind of weird to realize that while much of world lives for these breaks from the routine and the ordinary, I seem to flounder in these spaces.

Hiatus

I have been experiencing an uncharacteristic step back from my yoga practice.

Started a month or so ago - I stepped onto the mat with one of my favorite, and invariably healing, teachers, and lost my shit. One knows that yoga brings up emotions locked in the body's deep tissues and faschia, so I am not unfamiliar with an occasional wash of tears as I move into a deeper place in my body, but this was different. From the moment I stepped onto my mat that day, I was a goner - tears streaming down my face through the entire practice, replacing the sweat that often drips onto my mat, and a pile of tissues from wiping my eyes and blowing my nose accumulating beside my space.

In the ensuing weeks, I've really been struggling. At the surface, there is crankiness (ranging from fatique to aches to pain) in my upper body, specifically shoulders and elbows. Knee down chaturanga has become almost de rigeur for me, and a vinyasa practice with a lot of sun salutations is torture. But deeper, there is a level of tiredness. Standing postures seem to be unaffected - but in general I'm just a lot more tentative moving onto my mat.

As a result, I've been for the most part, off the mat. I do a quiet, stretching practice most days on my own, and I move through much of the practice when I teach, but the 5x a week, hot / power classes that have been my bread and butter for the past 4-5 years have been out of the question. It's been a very frustrating, humbling, and interesting experience. Yoga has become such an important part of my life - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and socially. So not being on the mat with my friends, my teachers, and my community has been really hard.

Not sure what this is about. My theories are all over the map. Getting older (my birthday fell in the past month, and I'm on the cusp of the big 50) - and I am certainly butting up against the limits and mortality of this particular physical form. The change of seasons. Some cold or flu that has sunk down into my body (I am historically pretty rugged and most seasonal things do not lay me low, so it's completely possible that I have been sick but not really debilitated). Perhaps just a wearing out of my upper body from years of strong yoga, especially considering my extra weight. I've even considered something more esoteric like Lyme Disease - I have plenty of friends and a dog who have gotten that. And finally, I've been processing some very deep grief of late (related to living alone, to mortality, to my lack of a significant other), and perhaps the toxins and chemical release of that grief has been moving through my body and affecting my practice.

Still figuring it all out. I have a good arsenal of resources to call upon - massage, therapy, journaling, food knowledge, friends, and of course, yoga. But right now I am deep in my stuff. So if you've noticed a bit less Jude in your life of late, I'm in my cave, working on my stuff....

Melt Down

It came out of nowhere. I hit the mat this morning with Nykki....after subbing last night's Core Ab class. Did not really feel out of sorts - had a little headache (highly unusual) last night which I put down to dinner (baked cod) and I have been craving the mattress and covers each morning; I've probably been staying up too late. But all in all...I did not feel particularly good or bad walking into the studio.

But as soon as we started our asana practice, this overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. I struggled with it for a few minutes before giving in - stepping off my mat to find a box of tissues. For the next 60 minutes, I practiced yoga with tears welling up in my eyes, rolling down my cheeks, and dropping onto my mat. By the time practice was over - a pile of tissues from dabbing my eyes and blowing my nose. In short - I lost it on the mat.

Not 100% sure what it is all about. Certainly, there are places in my life touched by sadness - loneliness, both in general and lacking a relationship. Getting older, feeling the mortality of this body. Perhaps even related to the change of seasons. I suspect my walk round the reservoir had something to do with it - spotlighting each of these (I walked alone, my body felt a little sore and stiff this morning, and it did put me in touch with the seasons).

And yet, there is also the possibility that I am dragging up some deep pain - between my losing weight and practicing, plenty of opportunity to draw out some pain from within my body, releasing the combination of chemistry and hormones that spell S-A-D.

After class, I wandered off alone. It was a beautiful pre-spring morning, bright sun, warming air. My sadness slowly cleared as the day went on, although still some little bits resonate.

Yoga. Freaking yoga. So damn beautiful, so deep and powerful. Just breath and postures, so simple - hard to imagine it turning the key to deep emotional, psychological, and spiritual work. And yet it does.....

Back to the Grind

And not a moment to soon. This weekend was really hard; a culmination of a holiday season that itself was difficult. It's my first holiday alone in many years, and although Zippy was never a big holiday person, still it's easier to be cranky about the season with a housemate and pets than it is to be in a place alone. So after spending a good chunk of the weekend in tears, I used one of my lifelines - phones (or more accurately, texted) a friend and called another. Before too long I had a few calls coming in and got a bit of it out. Was thinking I really ought to just surrender to the sadness and grief and dive into it all, but instead it came out in a little trickle of tears and sadness all weekend.

Behind this? Being alone, I guess. Getting older. Not seeing a path from where I am to a place of connection and relationship. Add to it a lot of unhealthy eating this holiday, and a bit of procrastination in terms of getting work done, and getting my place out of "moving in" mode and into "lived in" mode. And all these happy pictures of couples - holiday pics, winter fun, xmas trees, new year's eve parties, going to movies that I'd need to go to alone. All the things I was not part of and even if I were part of, would have felt detached from. Bleah.

So I am glad to be back at my desk and back to a routine. Last night I did start to claw my way back to life - besides my phone calls (thanks Amy, Nykki, Kristen, and Barb), I wandered over to Target to pick up some frames, and hung a few photos. I also signed up for a monthly pass at Weight Watchers . What a January thing to do, I know, but it has worked for me in the past. I know all the right things to do to lose weight and be healthy, I just don't do them. I'm going to go to a meeting this morning at 10. And I think I'm gonna give my old therapist a call.

I also stumbled across a GLBT summer camp for adults (Camp Camp) that I'm going to look into. It's been years since I took a real vacation (besides yoga weekends, work trips, and falcon ridge) and this seems like it might be right up my alley. Although I'm going to see if they need a yoga teacher :)

Monday, January 4th. Need to get caught up on work, get my invoicing out. Practice tonight with Barb. It's good to be back to normal.....