National Coming Out Day 2013

"Coming Out" is a tricky and complicated concept. 

As a transwoman, I had one big honking "coming out" - as every single person in my world got the news that I was changing my name and my gender, back in 2002. Family, friends, relations, acquaintances, clients, peers, government entities, creditors, the woman at the coffeeshop, you name it. Not even the smallest corner of a closet. I doubt any GLB person has that sort of requirement to "come out".

That was over ten years ago. And in the ensuing years, it's been tempting, and easy, to slide back into the closet.

Part of that is privilege - I've been able (by dint of genetics, ability to access and afford medical transition, and my choices regarding presentation and behavior) to move on with my life. My attitude has been that "trans" is more of a condition than an identity - one that I was fortunate enough to be able to address, and well, let's move on. So, as a cancer survivor might choose not to advertise that except in select cases, or a scoliosis survivor might choose to forget the painful back brace or the embarrassing shoes of her youth, my transition has faded into the past.

I've also got an uneasy relationship with my trans history, and with the trans community. Back in 2006, I heard Nuala O'Faolain speak of "...setting ones condition in amber..." and I had no desire or need to continue to live in the pathology of gender dysphoria by continuing to tell that story, to live in that pain. It's been my experience that folks will forget that you are trans if you do not keep reminding them, and I felt (and still do, to some extent) that a continued insistence on a trans identity (and even more so, the use of the term and concept of "cisgender", which I generally avoid) creates a wall of difference or a barrier between oneself and the rest of the world. There's a trans homeland or community which serves many folks, both as a transitional space as well as a permanent community for those unable to move through the world comfortably, but my world is much broader than that. And I find a lot of the focus on victimization and suicide of the trans activist community to be not my experience, and more than a little self defeating if not outright self-fulfilling. So yeah, I'm trans. But you won't find me at Day of Remembrance or testifying.

And it's not like I've been all stealthy - most of my close friends know my history, I'm not shy about sharing it when appropriate or when asked, and a lot of the "must efface every single scrap of evidence that I was ever a different gender" energy of the trans community (including birth certificates) drives me bonkers. If I ever need my birth certificate for anything (and I rarely do) I pull out my male one and tell the story. Whatever. Deal. 

And then there is orientation. It's all highly theoretical, since I rarely date and even more rarely mate, but the closet thing I have to an orientation is bi.

Part of that is external - my general "type" is women along the butch / masculine spectrum, and occasionally those women choose to transition, and I love them none the less when they do. So to honor their male gender identity, I have to broaden my orientation a bit.

And although I've not dated non-trans men, I've come to see gender as a pretty fungible and fluid concept - and I suspect there might be a guy out there who could get under my skin intellectually, emotionally, physically, etc. But the reality is that queer men and trans admirers generally want a partner with male anatomy (me no gots, sorry), straight men generally have a pretty strong streak of homophobia that precludes dating a transwoman (regardless of anatomy) - so the odds of me showing up to the prom with a dude are pretty thin.

Let's face it, the odds of me showing up to the prom with a date of any gender or orientation are pretty slim. I've spent the past decade being pretty quiet about my orientation and history, and I've also spent a lot of those years unattached and flying solo.

Perhaps "coming out" is a bit of a Hail Mary pass because being kind of invisible has not really served me in terms of finding friends, lovers, partners, community. It is, however, equally likely given my present state (I happen to be in the midst of a cloud of misanthropy and isolation) that "coming out" is just one more way of pushing folks away, of "othering" myself, and of crawling deeper into my cave.

Like I said, coming out - it's complicated. 

The Haves and the Have Nots

With today's SCOTUS decision regarding DOMA, my Facebook and Twitter feeds (both full of the gay) went wild. And I'm happy for the decision - it's right, it's long overdue.

But I'm also a little sad. In a lot of ways, same sex marriage is about privilege. The privilege afforded to heterosexual couples in terms of benefits (health insurance, survivor benefits, social security) and in terms of tax law are now available to same sex couples. And as a result a whole lot of people will rest easier, because their health insurance, estate planning, custody and survivor rights will be recognized by the federal government. I recognized this back in 2006; I was on an internet radio show that also featured two of the CT Marriage plaintiffs, and one of the "selling points" was how much money they would stand to lose (or gain) were they legally married. It was a lot of money (> $200K) - and I realized that for many in the gay marriage, it was a fight for those with money, power and privilege to get more of the same.

But for those of us outside of the mainstream in terms of relationships, who have not or may not be able to assimilate and become the G/L equivalent of happy heterosexuals, a helluva of a lot of allies and fellow sufferers just got theirs and got out of Dodge. So for someone struggling to maintain health care, to put a little money for retirement without the benefit of a spouse with benefits, to just stay afloat - it's kind of a sad day.

And yeah, I guess I could find a relationship. But really, how many 50+ women find Mr. or Ms. Right? And as a lesbian transwoman, well, it's a pretty slim slice (queer women who might date a transwomen) of an already thin slice (lesbian women). Let's just say I'm not picking out a dress or a china pattern.

So, DOMA was declared unconstitutional. Happy for all my mated and wedded friends who will benefit. I'm still outside, looking in. Hope the cake is yummy. 

Pride and Not Pride

This weekend, my Facebook feed was filled with photos from Pride parades and festivals. My camp family is geographically dispersed, so I have my finger on the pulse on the queer community of a lot of cities. It was kind of fun to live vicariously through Boston, Los Angeles, Albany, and other places.

Once upon a time, Hartford had a Pride fest, occasionally een a Pride parade. I've participated in both. But no more. The fest itself has fallen on hard times lately; not even sure when the last time there was one. And to be honest, when it was still happening, my ties to the local queer community are so slight and tentative that I either chose not to go, or I'd go, wander around for a few hours without really finding too many folks I knew, and I'd quietly slip away.

It's part of a bigger pictures. Hartford's "community center" shut its door years ago, so there's no central space for meetings, events, information. And (in my experience) the spaces and groups out there tend to be kind of insular - without a lot of formal cross-over.

I did spend a number of nights this past week at the Out Film Fest. It's not the same - skewed older, whiter, and wealthier - a thin slice of queer community - but at this point, we take what we can. It was good to run into a lot of folks I knew "back in the day". It was a good year for the fest; with good films, good turnouts (to my eye), and successful use of alternative theater spaces (Real Art Ways, Spotlight Theaters, and CT Science Center). I probably should have bought a festival pass but hopefully my fuull price tickets will help support the fest.

One of the festival films - Raid at the Rainbow Lounge - about a police raid on a gay bar in Ft. Worth, TX and the resultant community coming together - brought our local lack of community into focus.



Perhaps its a natural part of the assimilation process. I have a dozen queerish friends in the yoga world who I have never seen at a Pride / Queer event. It's so pedestrian to be GLBT these days that there's little need for safe / segregated spaces. Folks split off into communities based on other interests and passions. Still, there is something missing.

Personally, I'm missing community. I'm neither fish nor fowl, mostly. Whatever passes for a trans community is focused on coming out and transitioning (been there, done that, a decade or more ago), or fixated on victimhood and oppression (neither of which has been my experience)  so there's little there for me. My peers have (admittedly, like me) slipped off into the woodwork and whatever passes for happily ever after. And the queer women's community has so far proven elusive - not a clear focus or hub, and my own radfem / Michfest induced fears about exclusion and going where I am unwanted keep me from looking too hard. On Saturday night I sat (alone) in a full theater filled with cliquish groups of dykes. Along among the tribe.

So yeah. Not so proud this year. I look forward to my annual queer homecoming at camp, and will take the little slices of community and connection I can get.

Coupling and Relationships

A friend of mine posted recently on Facebook:

So, this is largely a rhetorical question without answer but I feel compelled to ask it anyway. Why are there so many people, myself included, with good hearts and souls who have so much trouble finding someone with whom to walk on this journey of life? I find it to be very frustrating.

Instead of responding there, I decided to spend some time mulling this over on the blog - part of my conscious attempt to keep social media from sucking the life force out of the blog!

First off, I think that some folks are simply incomplete without a partner. That incompleteness may be emotional, may be psychological, may be financial. But some folks are simply unsuited to live alone - and that both raises the incentive to couple, partner, and perhaps lowers the standards. Not that the found partners are substandard, but that things that might be deal-breakers or barriers for some are overlooked or minimized.

And I think that, for folks who truly need a partner to survive, who are incomplete uncoupled, there's a subtle signaling (similar to pheromones or color attractants) that gets put out there in a way that others do not. I have another friend who has had multiple relationships in the years that I have known her - and she rides the roller coaster of attraction, pursuit, commitment, and dissolution. It makes me kind of nervous to watch or listen, not sure I have the stomach for that. Yet she puts out a  very honest, heartfelt "I'm available, I'm approachable" vibe that gets her noticed and gets her attention (from both genders, even though she is straight)

On the other side, I think there are folks who are pretty much OK alone. I'm one of those folks. I fill my life - with work, with causes, with hobbies, with interests - in a way that does not leave a lot of room for another. And the life I have created is valuable to me - I'd have to think long and hard about picking up and moving (for a relationship) or clearing the decks of enough things to make room for a relationship. A potential partner is competing not so much with all the others out there, but with the busy, vibrant life I've crafted alone. My last counselor asked "...what are you prepared to give up to be in a relationship..." and I have to admit that more often than not, the answer is "nothing"

I have what I call the aircraft carrier model of relationship - wherein the partners travel together on the big boat, and each flies off to their own missions and tasks, returning to the ship to refuel, recharge, unwind. I do not think I could couple with someone who was not as busy and engaged as myself - I'd be less available than such a partner might want; I'd be bored by someone without a vibrant solo life. The downside of that is that neither of us is putting all that much effort into finding the other; and neither of us has a lot of time to hang out in spaces dedicated to meeting and mating.

So...I need to just chill out on the whole relationship thing. It will happen. Or it will not. But in the meantime, much life remains  to be lived.

Help Kate Bornstein Stay Alive

Kate Bornstein has cancer.  The good news, direct from the team of skilled doctors on her case, is that the cancer is curable.  However, the treatment plan that gives Kate the best chance of beating cancer is incredibly expensive.  Kate has spent the past thirty years helping the rest of us Stay Alive—now it’s our turn to give back.  Let’s HELP KATE BORNSTEIN BEAT CANCER AND STAY ALIVE!

There's a GOFUNDME site established, here with the goal of raising $100,000 to help Kate pay for the treatment.

Kate has been a pretty formidable influence in my life, journey, and understanding of "the trans" - I, inexplicably and against all odds, went to see her reading from the newly released "Gender Outlaw" on Sept 29, 1994*. (who has a first edition hard cover version that Kate lovingly inscribed in crayon? This girl) It was the first time I met a trans person, in fact I was seated in a room filled with transfolk. It was terrifying and inspiring - I'd have to say that was the day I turned around and hugged the dragon that had been haunting and hunting me throughout my life.

I've gone to see Kate speak, read, perform perhaps a dozen times in the intervening years - and though I've occasionally disagreed with her on issues of tone as well as the details of traversing the world while trans - she's remained an inspiring and beloved figure in my life.

I could not give much, but I gave some. If Kate has touched your life, and you have a few bucks to spare, consider passing a few along.

* Where? Real Art Ways, in Hartford, of course. Is it any wonder this space remains one of my favorite places in the area?

New Pope

So, we have a new pope. Or rather, THEY have a new pope.

A little background. I'm a former Roman Catholic. And my family was not simply cafeteria catholics, we were in, deep. I spent 12 years in catholic school, I served alter, I taught CCD, I played folk mass for years. My father was a deacon whose bridge partner was the monsignor, I was a lay eucharistic minister. I met my ex on the altar (she was playing music, and noticed me singing in the congragation), I was married by a bishop. I spent my honeymoon in Medjugorje, stalking the Blessed Virgin Mary. So yeah - hard core.

More to the point, I was the sort of little kid that the catholic church targeted for priesthood - bullied, learned, fey,  gender non-conforming. Over and over throughout my life, I was approached - by priests, nuns, adults - with the question "have you considered a vocation?". Which is what the catholic church did with little proto-queer kids back in the day. It explains a lot of the sex abuse scandals, IMHO, with a bunch of repressed gay men in positions of power and access to young men. On the other hand, I suspect had I been born in the gender I now inhabit, I probably would have made a fine nun...I had mad crushes on most of the nuns in my life.

So.....fast forward to today.  I'm adamantly non-catholic; I've been officially uninvited from partaking in the sacraments (thanks to an annulment that my ex sought, which resulted in the church peering rather closely at my gender transition). My issues extend past my own stuff - I would support married priests, women priests, LGBT priests, LGBT marriage, birth control. Pretty much the full litany of women's issues (although I'm not a fan of abortion, if I ruled the world it would remain legal but we'd track and reduce the number through birth control, education, and support for unplanned / unwanted pregnancies. And truthfully, my own spiritual quest has taken me way beyond christianity - not sure I can or will ever believe in the "one god, one savior, one path" aspects of most christian sects.

However - I am quite delighted to see this pope elected. A humble, man of the people (reportedly, he got on the bus with the other cardinals last night, rather than take the papal limo / motorcade) - he's most recently lived in a humble flat, taken mass transit, cooked his own meals. And today's news, he swung by the residence / inn where he had been staying to settle the bill and pick up his luggage. There is something of the buddhist in this new pope....and humble spiritual seekers of all flavors are welcome in my world.

And to my facebook and twitter fans / friends wailing and gnashing teeth about women's issues, GLBT issues, etc. - well, what do you expect, he's a faithful Roman Catholic and that's the church's policy - they would never elect a pope who believed otherwise.  If you identify as Roman Catholic and those issues are important to you, get out. I believe the church will change only if / when it loses all the cafeteria catholics whose hypocrisy allows them to pay lip service on sunday and then go vote and live the way they want.  If you are not Roman Catholic, it's not your problem.  Get over it.....

Camp Camp: Best Time Ever

I've headed north near the end of the summer the past two years for a week in the Maine woods at Camp Camp: A summer camp for GLBT adults.


I never had the opportunity (or sentence) of spending a week at summer camp - the closest I got was day camp through the local YMCA or churches. I was a kind of quiet, bookish, and therefore bullied, stick close to the walls kind of kid. Camp as a kid was akin to torture; and my parents were wise enough to recognize that it was not a good fit. And yet, everything that happens at camp - sports, crafts, campfires, music, swimming, nature - are some of my favorite things.

Camp Camp's motto is "Best Time Ever!" - but a secondary one might be "It's never too late to have a happy childhood!" If you are interested, follow the links. There are often opportunities to work off part of your fees - I teach yoga at camp, if you have a skill or craft that might be valuable at camp (or are simply willing to wash dishes!) it is surpisingly affordable. And, if you are (or have, or know of) a younger person (8 - 15) dealing with the trans, try Camp Aranutiq

If You Can't Find Something To Do This Weekend...

...you are not trying very hard. Here's a short list of things I am aware of, I am sure there is much more to choose from.

Blues: Friday Night, June 1 is the annual Black-eyed and Blues Fest in Bushnell Park, sponsored by Black-eyed Sally's. ABSOLUTELY FREE.  More info....

Alternative Rock: A plug for my friends at Little Ugly - they are playing the Firebox Restaurant (at Billings Forge) on Friday @ 9:00 pm

Poetry: This is the kick-off weekend for the Sunken Garden Poetry Festival, at the Hillstead Museum in Farmington. Poetry and music all weekend long, starting Friday night.

Spirituality: Something new this year, the 2012 Creative Spirituality Fair, in East Haddam is going on Saturday. June 2. All sorts of yoga, healing modalities, energy work, music, arts, food and fun.

Queer Film Fest: The annual Gay and Lesbian Film Fest - Out Film CT - starts this weekend, at Cinestudio. The festival runs June 1- 9, with some big social events planned for apres cinema on the opening night, closing night, and mid fest. A lot of interesting looking films, with several premieres.

Krishna Das:  Kirtan and workshop on Sunday, June 3 in West Hartford, sponsored by West Hartford Yoga.

That's just a start, bet there are many more events happening as we kick off the first weekend of the summer season. Get out there and enjoy!

Coming Home 2012

Just returned from Coming Home: A Mindfulness Meditation weekend for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, and Queer Communities. Led by Larry Yang and Maddy Klyne, it was a very interesting, and in a lot of ways challenging, experience.

The work was primarily based on Vipassana Meditation. So although my work in the yoga community, mindfulness, and enlightenment intensives have incorporated this sort of work, I am not sure I expected a full day of sitting / walking meditation. I do not have that sort of formal meditation practice, so there was some challenge there. Specifically, so much of the weekend vibed "enlightenment intensive" that I was ready to roll up my sleeves and dig in to one of the questions, such as "Who Am I?" - and that's just not the point of Vipasanna. It's all about letting go, softening, observing, cultivating a quiet and aware mind - and specifically not about getting somewhere. Maybe there is a quiet goal of opening, of awakening - but certainly not the drive towards a "direct experience of the truth" (with the laughter, tears, joy, awe, etc. that go along with that) of the EI.

So I struggled. As I stepped out into the walking meditation, I felt the urge to dance around. The TREE. Don't you see it? The TREE! (and any other thing that caught my EI-blown awake mind, there was much to distract, the Garrison Institute grounds were beautiful, and the weekend attendees were equally amazing) as the other attendees were watching their footfalls diligently in walking meditation. Although the direct experience fades as one lives ones life, I am not sure that one ever forgets the substance. I may not feel that blown open every day, but having felt that a few times, its hard not to feel like running ahead on the path.

Does a direct experience ruin one for the diligence and patient path of vipasanna? Must ask one of my teachers for his thoughts....

It was, for all that, a lovely weekend. Held in functional silence, I did not get much chance to mix, mingle, and network, but I have no doubt I would adore most of the folks there, give 1/2 a chance. I do wish there had been more space for getting to know people. The facility was wonderful for this sort of retreat. The food - amazing - vegetarian, clean, delicious.

There seems to be some interest in doing this again, and I suspect I will be there if they do!

Coming Home: An LGBTIQ Mindfulness Meditation Weekend

A friend passed along an email about this mindfulness weekend....

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Coming Home:A Mindfulness Meditation weekend for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, and Queer Communities

Led by Larry Yang and Maddy Klyne

Friday (6pm) to Sunday (1pm), April 13-15, 2012

Garrison Institute, 14 Mary’s Way, Route 9D, Garrison, New York

More info here

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Sometimes, it seems as if my spiritual / yoga journey trumps my queer identity or any an affiliations I have had with the GLBT community. I do know that I am supported and affirmed in the spiritual community in ways that I am not in the GLBT communities; and that my attempts to bring my spiritual practice back to former communities and spaces have been unsuccessful and discouraging.

So this looks like a wonderful chance to reconnect, and I plan to be there!

CT Pride Day

Wandered down to Bushnell Park this afternoon for Connecticut Pride. Was a beautiful morning / early afternoon, although it clouded over and cooled down a bit.

I really liked the layout of the vendor / organizational booths - it contained the energy and created a feeling of critical mass, as compared to other years. Think I've missed a few years there so this may not be a new thing, but regardless, I approve. I'm not much for the music at Pride; just not my cup of tea. And without a posse hanging out together, not a lot of fun hanging out all afternoon. So I popped in and out.

Mostly, it's my annual check-in with folks. Some friends I have known for 10-15 years; Pride is my one chance to really touch base every year. Others I see more often, but nice to see them all together. And always a couple I have lost touch with, it's a nice surprise to reconnect.

And always a little bittersweet. Organizations I have been involved with over the years; membership has turned over and now I know nobody. New organizations that have sprouted up that I have no connection or history with; a little awkward to wander up and say "Hey, I used to be somebody, 10 years ago". And a sense of missing the GLBT community a bit:

* Living in a liberal state where GLBT folks are seamlessly integrated into other communities, a lot of the community spaces (community center, bars, coffeehouses) and resources / groups have faded;

* Moving through the world without making waves or encountering much in the way of discrimination or hate, which limits my incentive to stay connected to the support and activism organizations;

* Being way too busy with work, hobbies, and life - I try to stop in to community events when I can, but "when I can" is a pretty thin slice of life.

Shout out to my wing women; Alison from yoga and Sandy from the Guinea Pigs, who both wandered down to check out the festival and wander around with me for a while. I usually just do a circuit or two, say hi to old friends, and head out. Instead I hung out with them and chatted for a few hours. I Am sure they both broke a few hearts this afternoon; sorry ladies, they are straight! Although Alison's sidekick (an adorable pug) was like catnip to the gay men....

I doubt I'll get to any of the evening festivities - a bit too old for the bar scene, balloon chasing in the morning means a 4:30 am wake-up call. But it was nice to check in. The Eros Film Fest is coming up in November...

Melancholy Odyssey Through Limbo

Maureen Dowd in yesterday's New York Times - Between Torment and Happiness

In it she recounts the rather horrific story of Chrissy Lee Polis's attack in a Maryland McDonald's by two young women, presumably for being read as trans. And folds in some observations about Renee Richards.

Why Dowd but A & B together is something of a mystery, perhaps best explained by this "In the mid-1970s, when I covered tennis..."

Renee Richards is perhaps her best, most direct, or only cultural reference to transgenderism, and part of being that sort of columnist is to reach across the years and ones experience and create deep, meaningful linkages. Or not, in this case. Does not work from an informed trans perspective but perhaps it plays in Peoria.

Also, Chrissy Lee Polis' mom is named Renee. So perhaps she just glommed onto these two stories bubbling up in the media (Richards' book, Polis' attack) and tried to make something out of them. Fail, IMHO.

This kind of reinforces one of my long held opinions - that the folks who truly transition happily, healthily, and well (assuming they are out there) are not the ones who are going to write the autobiographies for fear of damaging the good life that they have found or find their own journeys somewhat pedestrian and ordinary. Instead its the folks who are still in pain, or who crave the spotlight, who write such books. Giving Maureen Dowd (and society in general) the fodder to recount such loving phrases as:

"...at a place in between torment and happiness...."
"...melancholy odyssey through limbo..."
"...something that’s crazy and freakish and not real..."

Just want to report from a bunch of years down the track that this is not everyone's experience.

And.....invisibility cloak back on. Continue as you were. Nothing to see here ;)

The Only Thing We Have to Fear.....

I'm going to break one of the cardinal rules of this blog.....

A young transwoman killed herself recently. You can see a video from the local ABC affiliate here, and read a news story posted on a local news radio site, here.

The flavor of the month, from the GLBT community, is bullies, and this story drops right in there. I posted a few things on Helen Boyd's message board, My Husband Betty, and this has gotten me torqued up enough to repost out here in public, which I usually avoid, ironically because I fear a different sort of bullying, coming from within the queer blogosphere.

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I watched the video. And nowhere in there did it say that Chloe was actually, you know, bullied. Over and over, the refrain was repeated....she FEARED being bullied.

"Overall, her peers accepted her for who she was....but she was still terrified of being bullied for coming out."

"She struggled with fears of harassment and abuse."

"Who wants to see a young man walking down the street with a dress on.....in his eyes that was the worse fear...."

"Her family said Chloe's death mirrors that of other teens who have committed suicide due to bullying...."

And some wisdom from step-dad "...that's what we are creating as a society, we are creating this incredible cloud of fear for these individuals..."

And going back to the print article:

"And while he wasn't outright bullied, Murphy says the pressure to fit into society grew increasingly heavy for Justin."

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself - apparently.

Look, I get bullying. I was not out as trans, but I was the smart kid, the nerdy kid, the unathletic kid who lived in fear for most of my youth. Fear in my case meant occasional incontinence - so you can imagine how popular I was when I was young. I guess I had the wrong roles models; it never entered my mind to kill myself. Or maybe I grew up so marginalized and used to being on the fringes that gender transition was not that big a deal.

And I get fear too - I was raised with fear. Thankfully, by the time I needed to transition, I had dealt with my fears - "I do not want you to get hurt" was fairly debilitating throughout my youth and young adulthood. Dating = fear. Moving out of state = fear. Marriage = fear. Taking career risks = fear. Flying overseas = fear. Stepping into a hot air balloon = fear. Visiting NYC = fear. By the time I decided to transition, I guess I had enough practice dealing with fear that I could ignore the internal messages.

Getting back to the whole idea of suicide contagion, let's look back to the print version of the story:

Dempsey says Justin "Chloe" medicated with marijuana, but that, unfortunately, fed the depression rather than eased it.

Following graduation from Buchanan High in 2009, Justin moved north to Eureka, where Dempsey says he found a close-knit circle of loving and acceptance and "was able to become more of 'Chloe'."

And the difference in perspective was remarkable when "Chloe" was able to express herself more freely. Dempsey says, "There was friendship, there was peace, there some happiness, and she loved that."

Justin slowly began to dress as "Chloe" while living in Eureka but lacked the confidence to do so outside the safety of home. Murphy says the process to fully transform into "Chloe", which could take 10 years or more, began to take its toll which became "really overwhelming" with regard to the already prevalent anxiety and depression.

So, Murphy proceeded to set up therapy sessions for "Chloe" but despite seeing several therapists, her outlook grew more grim. Murphy says she was completely hopeless "...like there is no way this is ever going to happen for me, so why am I here."

Seems (to me) like a kid already struggling with depression and addiction, faced with a pretty daunting life project, decided to end it. But instead of facing that reality, we blame bullies - it took about 24 hours for this sad story to be spun into the flavor of the month, bullies did it.

What is really sad is (a) that, looking at her photo, she seemed to have nothing to fear. Really quite beautiful. And (b) her family and the media seems to have ensured that he will be remembered as the son they lost (photographs, names, etc.), not the daughter she was becoming.

Look, I want young people to stop killing themselves. But my fear (there's that word, again) is, that the more we honor and mourn these kids as helpless and powerless victims, following a logical pathway in response to external stimuli, the more they are going to follow that script.

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And another untimely death....

This in relation to a story about a 19 year old gay male who killed himself after attending a city council meeting, where a gay pride proclamation was approved. Gay Teen In Oklahoma Takes His Own Life. News story on the Dallas Voice, here. The city council meeting, all 4 hours, here.

A member of the community exhorted us to "...write about it on your blog or Facebook page...."

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Anyone actually sit through the 4 hours of council meeting, posted online?

I scrolled through, and seemed like there were a lot of folks in favor of the proclamation - it was far from an overwhelming shit-storm of hate. One of the comments on the linked Dallas Voice website notes:

The council voted in favor of supporting this proclamation and 24 out of 40 citizens stood up and spoke in favor.

24/40 = 60%; if 60% of our congress were in favor of ENDA or gay marriage or repealing DADT, those things would all be law.

It sucks that a young gay man chose to kill himself. But I personally believe that the media spotlight and canonization of these young people makes it MORE likely, not less, that the next suicide victim will choose death over life. If one is feeling particularly worthless or empty, knowing that one will find fame and purpose in death seems to me as good an incentive to die as any.

I've noted before the phenomena known as suicide clusters, and although these generally happen in a geographic area (a city or school), I see no reason in this connected society why they do not happen in subcultures rather than geographic communities. There is a lot of information out there about this issue, but some quotes from the piece linked above:

"We know from studies that have looked at the impact of the media that there is something called the 'dose-response association.' So the size of the increase in suicides following a suicide story is proportional to the amount, and the duration, and the prominence of the coverage."

There are ways that the media can cover a suicide that can actually help mitigate the risk of additional suicides, says psychiatrist Paula Clayton, medical director of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, who regularly advises the media on how to report on a suicide. For example, they should report on the many complex factors that may have led up to the suicide and emphasize that 90 percent of people who kill themselves have mental health problems.

Clayton cautions, though, that using details about a suicide can increase the risk of suicide clustering. "Don't talk about the method, or show the place where the suicide occurred. And don't glorify it," she says.

It's a pity this young man did not find a reason to celebrate 24 people standing up for the proclamation, to celebrate the city council approving the proclamation, and have a social network to go have celebratory pizza with and rip the haters apart.

So no, I will not blog or post to facebook or increase the media footprint of this sort of event. Because there is another GLBT youth sitting out there right now feeling unloved and unimportant, and that young person might just decide that, like this young man, he or she is worth more to the cause as a beloved martyr than as an obscure, lonely youth.

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Yeah, I know, I lied. I just blogged about it. But I do so in the hope that the community, the activists, the people working with queer youth stop turning these kids into martyrs, into saints, into beloved, admired, role models. We're making it easier for these kids to decide to pull the trigger, folks. As John Gorka once noted "...people love you, when they know you're leaving soon....." (Gypsy Life)

I do admire the It Gets Better project, started by Dan Savage and his partner, Terry. Because it does get better.

Pride (Not) and Gay and Lesbian Film Fest

Stopped by the annual Pride Fest yesterday at Bushnell Park. A quick circuit around the sundry booths and vendors, a stop by the bandshell stage (a band was playing, nobody seemed to be listening), and I was out of there.

I did see a handful of old friends and stopped to chat with a few. But for the most part there was a feeling of alienation and disappointment, that this did not seem to be a place of connection, support, or community for me. It feels like, if one has been around enough, one has had a falling out or a drifting away from pretty much every organization in the park. Bleah.

About the only significant interaction was an eager young woman with a clipboard, fishing for HRC members. I felt rather old and cranky as I explained that I had been an HRC member / supporter for many years but that I was unable to support them anymore due to their policies vis a vis trans issues. Interesting that her canned spiel described HRC as "the largest gay and lesbian advocacy organization" - clearly HRC is not even pretending to be GLBT or trans advocates these days.javascript:void(0)

Later, I headed to Trinity College for the last night of the "Gay and Lesbian" Film Fest (again, no inclusiveness in terms of the name of the festival, although there is usually plenty of diversity in the films). Some interesting shorts (several fairly dark, several funny) including the amusing 25 Random Things I Did During My Big Fat Lesbian Depression which felt WAY too familiar. I joked that I was up to #17, but come on, one of the random things was getting into Kirtan, and another was yoga! Sheesh.

However, the film-maker seemed to plow through her 25 things in the course of a year; it seems to take me a decade to get through the same ground. At this point I'll find a relationship sometime around my 60th birthday.

The final short was my perennial favorite U-Haul: The Music Video, which makes me smile every single time I see it.



The feature last night was a bio-pic of the Topp Twins called Untouchable Girls. Really an amazing story about New Zealand twin sisters who are lesbians, folk musicians, and have evolved into commediennes.



A very well done film which incorporated a lot of archaival footage - Jools and Lynda as young buskers playing the streets (in 70's and 80's lesbian drag, denim and mullets, looking so delightfully dykey and at times reminding me of the young Roches in their harmonies and playfulness) and then aging into a beloved performing duo that has been engaged in NZ issues - anti-nukes, indigineous rights, and of course, gay/lesbian rights.

They are playing Northampton next week (June 12) at the Academy of Music - I'm gonna be knee deep in Guinea Pigs stuff or I'd take a trip up!

Out Film Fest

Headed off to Cinestudio this evening for the Gay & Lesbian Film Fest. Seemed to be lesbian night.

The first piece, Edie & Thea: A Very Long Engagement, was a sweet bio-pic of a lesbian couple whose relationship spanned the past 40 years of GLBT progress. It was well done, and a compelling story that left me teary in places. The archival slides from their past were fascinating, with the elderly women sitting and watching, and commenting.

But I was also very conscious of the privilege of these two individuals (one employed by IBM as a system architect, the other a PhD Psychologist). They were able to move through the NYC lesbian circles, and insulated by their good fortune, their struggles seemed less about their sexuality and more the normal struggles of a relationship, especially Thea's battle with MS.

Reminded me a bit of how I felt hearing one of the CT gay marriage plaintiffs complain about the economic ramifications of not being able to transfer large retirement accounts to each other; I realized that for the most part, gay marriage is an economic issue for people who don't have a lot of other needs unmet. Me, I'd just as soon have universal health care.

Tomboys

I've always had a thing for Tomboys. My high school and college crushes (inevitably unrequited) were for the jockettes - field hockey, tennis, track, crew, rugby. There is something about a strong and not quite so gender conforming woman that makes my heart skip a beat.

So needless to say, the Vancouver Olympics is fertile ground for renewing my mad crush skills.

Figure skating / ice dancing? Bleah. Unless the female cognate of Johnny Weir shows up - KD Lang on blades of glory, I'm not interested. And the classic winter skiing sports (downhill, etc.) are also a bit too mainstream to be of much interest.

But bobsled and luge, yeah. Curling. Snowboard and ski-cross (even Shaun White is kinda cute in a Tomboy kinda way). Speed-skating. Biathlon.

SO I have to admit that I've been watching the Olympics not just for the sport and spectacle. But kind of mildly crushing out on the athletes. Kind of an interesting insight.

Back to the Grind

And not a moment to soon. This weekend was really hard; a culmination of a holiday season that itself was difficult. It's my first holiday alone in many years, and although Zippy was never a big holiday person, still it's easier to be cranky about the season with a housemate and pets than it is to be in a place alone. So after spending a good chunk of the weekend in tears, I used one of my lifelines - phones (or more accurately, texted) a friend and called another. Before too long I had a few calls coming in and got a bit of it out. Was thinking I really ought to just surrender to the sadness and grief and dive into it all, but instead it came out in a little trickle of tears and sadness all weekend.

Behind this? Being alone, I guess. Getting older. Not seeing a path from where I am to a place of connection and relationship. Add to it a lot of unhealthy eating this holiday, and a bit of procrastination in terms of getting work done, and getting my place out of "moving in" mode and into "lived in" mode. And all these happy pictures of couples - holiday pics, winter fun, xmas trees, new year's eve parties, going to movies that I'd need to go to alone. All the things I was not part of and even if I were part of, would have felt detached from. Bleah.

So I am glad to be back at my desk and back to a routine. Last night I did start to claw my way back to life - besides my phone calls (thanks Amy, Nykki, Kristen, and Barb), I wandered over to Target to pick up some frames, and hung a few photos. I also signed up for a monthly pass at Weight Watchers . What a January thing to do, I know, but it has worked for me in the past. I know all the right things to do to lose weight and be healthy, I just don't do them. I'm going to go to a meeting this morning at 10. And I think I'm gonna give my old therapist a call.

I also stumbled across a GLBT summer camp for adults (Camp Camp) that I'm going to look into. It's been years since I took a real vacation (besides yoga weekends, work trips, and falcon ridge) and this seems like it might be right up my alley. Although I'm going to see if they need a yoga teacher :)

Monday, January 4th. Need to get caught up on work, get my invoicing out. Practice tonight with Barb. It's good to be back to normal.....

Not So Proud

I guess that Saturday is CT Pride Day, and the weather looks to be nearly perfect. Down at Bushnell Park, 11 am to 5 pm.

Have not been much into Pride Day for a few years now. Not all that connected or invested in the local community; the downside of living in a liberal, accepting place is that there is less need for a queer ghetto, and as a result, the GLBT organizations and businesses are pretty thin. The Project 100 / Community Center closed doors a few years back. There are two local bars (Chez Est and Polo Club), neither of which does much for me - not much of a drinker to start with, I rarely stay up past 11, and the GLBT entertainment options do not really resonate. I'm not all that big on gay marriage (it does not seem to work all that well for the straight folks....maybe we should find a different model) which is the one political cause that seems to have traction these days. And my membership into the lesbian tribe seems conditional at best. So, in general, I'm an "on the outside, looking in" kind of queer woman. I have a few smallish circles of queerness I move through but none seems particularly connected to any sort of greater community.

Were I hanging out on Saturday, I would no doubt show up (probably on bike), walk around, say hi to some old friends, make a few circuits of the festival grounds, and wander off feeling kind of lonely and disconnected. But since I will heading out to Rhode Island for a Green / Folkie fest (musicians I enjoy, workshops and vibe I can embrace, and yoga to boot), I get to avoid the "I really feel like I ought to be part of this but somehow its nor working for me" experience.

Upcoming: CARC Uberman Competition

September 13, 2005 from 6:00 pm to 9:00 pm at The Warehouse. Benefits the CT AIDS Resource Coalition (CARC). My friend Alison is co-chair. Should be a nice event.

More info here.

Ah, but who to cast my vote for? Without personal ties, its hard to choose, but I am leaning towards John Dawson. Kind of partial to burly guys, don't cha know....