Holiday Weekends

These summertime, long weekend holidays - Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day - are toughies. I am typically fighting a low grade depression as these things come round each year.

Part of that is, as a single person, not tied in to a traditional / local family unit, I rarely have someplace special to go or big plans. While much of society is off to the beach, a family cook-out, a barbeque, or the like, I'm often at loose ends. This year, I got an invite to a cookout with friends on Monday; I'm also teaching yoga Monday morning. Today was balloon chasing and then a day of vegging and cleaning; hit the GLBT film fest tonight. Tomorrow I hope to hit the mat, and perhaps find myself on the trail in the afternoon. So my weekend has filled up. But I still feel somewhat disconnected.

Another aspect is, as a single and self employed person, I'm fairly disconnected from the cultural shift towards summer mode. The end of the school year does not really impact me. Nor do I take much in the way of formal vacation. So the way these holidays are seasonal milestones for many is less meaningful to me.

I guess there is a nagging feeling that, were I to stop trying to stay connected, I could easily drop out for the 72 hours of this particular holiday, and I'd not be much missed. And even as I do find places to be, I feel very much like a 5th wheel, a spectator, a hanger-on. The undertow of these feelings is not particularly healthy or helpful, but it needs to be acknowledged.

Mostly, I just try to hang in there and not sink into too much lethargy. Tuesday will come and with it, a drop back in to the normal and comfortable rhythms of life. Just kind of weird to realize that while much of world lives for these breaks from the routine and the ordinary, I seem to flounder in these spaces.

Back to the Grind

And not a moment to soon. This weekend was really hard; a culmination of a holiday season that itself was difficult. It's my first holiday alone in many years, and although Zippy was never a big holiday person, still it's easier to be cranky about the season with a housemate and pets than it is to be in a place alone. So after spending a good chunk of the weekend in tears, I used one of my lifelines - phones (or more accurately, texted) a friend and called another. Before too long I had a few calls coming in and got a bit of it out. Was thinking I really ought to just surrender to the sadness and grief and dive into it all, but instead it came out in a little trickle of tears and sadness all weekend.

Behind this? Being alone, I guess. Getting older. Not seeing a path from where I am to a place of connection and relationship. Add to it a lot of unhealthy eating this holiday, and a bit of procrastination in terms of getting work done, and getting my place out of "moving in" mode and into "lived in" mode. And all these happy pictures of couples - holiday pics, winter fun, xmas trees, new year's eve parties, going to movies that I'd need to go to alone. All the things I was not part of and even if I were part of, would have felt detached from. Bleah.

So I am glad to be back at my desk and back to a routine. Last night I did start to claw my way back to life - besides my phone calls (thanks Amy, Nykki, Kristen, and Barb), I wandered over to Target to pick up some frames, and hung a few photos. I also signed up for a monthly pass at Weight Watchers . What a January thing to do, I know, but it has worked for me in the past. I know all the right things to do to lose weight and be healthy, I just don't do them. I'm going to go to a meeting this morning at 10. And I think I'm gonna give my old therapist a call.

I also stumbled across a GLBT summer camp for adults (Camp Camp) that I'm going to look into. It's been years since I took a real vacation (besides yoga weekends, work trips, and falcon ridge) and this seems like it might be right up my alley. Although I'm going to see if they need a yoga teacher :)

Monday, January 4th. Need to get caught up on work, get my invoicing out. Practice tonight with Barb. It's good to be back to normal.....

Sunrise

Balloon crewing tends to put one in sync with the seasons. One wants to hit the field around sunrise, to get the balloon in the air early before the sun starts heating things up and causing atmospheric instability. So my morning schedule is often synced up to sunrise.

Mid-summer, near the solstice, we hit the field early - before 5 a.m. (meaningful since the local Dunkin Donuts open at 5). Today, it's 5:30, a little more sleep. Early fall, before the time changes, and then again in mid-winter, it gets downright reasonable. Bankers hours, we joke.

I kind of like that. Barring this, I'd hardly notice the change of seasons other than the extremes - the first cold morning, the Sunday mornings when the clock's are set ahead or back, the first sweltering day. But instead, I get to watch the season more minutely, ticking off the change from summer to fall by a few minutes each week, by the change in morning temperature.

Jude is showered. The dogs are fed and watered. It's time to hit the road. Today's launch site: Spring Street in Southington. I'm taking my camera for a change - hopefully there will be other balloons in the air and some decent photo ops......

Day 1 of the Holiday

A fairly successful Saturday as we move into the holiday weekend. Started with Jazzercise (a regular sub who gave us a wonderfully aerobic workout!). After that, I went to fetch MYA, stopping at 2-3 package stores in a vain search for bottles of Pesce Vino, a rather inauspicious wine (I think) that comes in a noteworthy fish shaped bottle. My goal - gifting the wine, a bottle of dish soap, and a drink pourer stopper to by siblings - the fish bottle makes a decorative dish soap container. Thanks to MB for the concept, but the one place where I have seen the wine (Crazy Bruce's in West Hartford) was out, and nowhere else (including Crazy Bruce's in Bristol) carried it.

With MYA in tow, we stopped at the house to fetch Zippy and food (dump cake, cajun beans, and el cheapo rolls) for the support group holiday meal. That went OK - the food was delicious, the atmosphere was so-so (we should have bought some table clothes and set a formal table, IMHO) but it was nice. Afterwards, we boogied out a bit early (Zippy was falling asleep) and hung out at the house for a while before I took MYA home.

MYA liked her gifts (Hello Kitty pajamas and a book) and I also gifted her family with an inexpensive DVD player (she has DVD's to watch, her baby brother I am sure will benefit, and her mom by having the baby occupied). Not too pricey at Sears - I should have gotten one for the house (our DVD player is old, large, and finicky)

While I shuttled MYA home, CM stopped by after the meeting and we had a nice visit. She and Zippy got some time to talk before I came home. It was good to see her and spend some time with her.

Today, we head up north to Bolton MA for xmas eve with my family. We are taking a modest pile of giftage, some snackage (beef log, cheese, crackers), two bottles of wine, and ourselves. Should not be a long day - Mom and Bro's are heading to 6 pm mass and we will probably head back around then.

2005 Wrap-up

A personal wrap-up really. I'll let the ten best lists, the world events, the entertainment and sports wrap-ups, the person(s) of the year, and other such end of the year rituals to others more knowledgeable or effusive.

It was a year of catching my breath and retrenching. A year when I gave up battling a ten year financial crisis, turned around and faced the dragon. Not the first time I have stopped running in my life - but hopefully the last. Life seems more centered of late.

2005 was a year when I started yoga. It was a year of exercise and increasing health.

It was a year of steady work and new opportunities.

I started the year having recently killed off a blog and abandoned an office outside the home, I start 2006 with a newly minted blog and the promise of reopening an office in February. In the long slow parabola of my life over the past few years, 2005 seems to have held a nadir - more and more there are signs of rebirth, growth, opportunity.

According to the christian calendar, its a new year. Celebrate safely, everyone who chooses to celebrate publically. We're having friends over for dinner, and will most likely be snoring as 2006 ticks over.

Do something affirming and positive and healthy and just a little offbeat, for yourself and for the universe.

Welcome to 2003 (or thereabouts)

My brothers (who rock incredibly) chipped in to gift me with a Dell DJ Ditty MP3 player, which is something I would never purchase for myself (too extravagent) but is perfect.

It all installed pretty easily; I charged it up overnight via the USB port and I am listening to it now on Shuffle mode. For the record, the first 5 CD's I imported (a quick random pick off the rack)

* Hugh Blumenfeld - Mozart's Money (I should just put Raphael on repeat....)
* Richard Shindell - Courier
* Hedwig and the Angry Inch
* The Very Best of Elvis Costello and the Attractions
* Famous Blue Raincoat - Jennifer Warnes (songs by Leonard Cohen)

I am feeling very trendy (which I guess means that MP3 players are officially passe, and something new will come along) and am excited to explore the possibilities (roller blading and long airplane trips, downloading audio books and/or podcast streams of favorite radio programs)

Happy Christmas II

Colin McEnroe's column today. Just because.

Because I am all about tasteless and tacky gifting....

Giant Microbes
or alternately: Parasite Pals

Happy Christmas...

...if that is your holiday of choice.

We went to see Ushpizin last night - really liked the movie, but more of the same patriarchy run amok (this time among hasidic jews in Israel). The theater was full of the local jewish population (many of whom were new to the theater, which is one of our favorite places) which was fun, after the movie it had a "post-services social" feel to it as people hung out and chatted or called greetings to each other across the theater. As someone raised roman catholic, who has always done christmas, its kind of fun to see what non-christians do on this religious / secular / legal / commercial juggernaut.

A bit of last minute present adornment (ribbons and bows) this morning, then a relaxing morning before we trek north to MA and the annual disgorgement of gifting that we call christmas in my family of origin. I'm celebrating the solstice and the return of light, and if the archetype of a divine child come as a symbol of peace and hope gets mixed in there somehow....well, so be it! My heart is large enough for multiple symbols, myths, and imagery.

Namaste, all.

Happy Jewmas

Well, we really do not qualify to celebrate Jewmas: my family is celebrating THE DAY (and we are participating), I'm a recovering catholic skewing pagan-buddhist so I can pretend its solstice, and the Zipster is only nominally Jewish even as she has a fetish for all things Catholic (most evidenced by a collection of 40-50 large votive candles of the type you find at Botanicas and urban Stop & Shops, which we have prominantly displayed).

However, even if we are doing something more culturally attuned on Sunday, we lack a lot of the cultural underpinnings of christmas eve, christmas weekend, etc - we're not cleaning, we're not hosting a special dinner or an open house, we're not wassailing or making merry or feasting or churching....

So instead we are going to movies, in the spirit of Jewmas. Tonight, Baraka at Cinestudio and tomorrow Ushpizin at Real Art Ways.

Pass the popcorn.

Yule Season Ramp-up

From my days in corporate america I recognize the long slow slide into the holidays. Things are really quiet out there - phone calls go to voice mail, emails are unanswered, my phone is silent. Not that I am complaining - I have gifts to wrap, things to clean, socializing has begun, gifting is underway. Just seems like with the christmas holiday on a Sunday, there is a really long run-up to the big day this year.

As my holiday gift to you, a link to an oldie but goodie: the 2000 North Pole Gazette. Which is still pretty fresh, all things considered....

And another fun thing that will appeal to the engineers. I got it via email, but it appears to be the handiwork of the good folks at Winzler & Kelly

Solstice

You can't fool me, little baby Jesus was not really born on Dec 25th, but they celebrate his birthday this time of year to mesh up with solstice and steal some mojo from those pesky pagans who knew that the world needed a little bit of light and warmth in the dead of winter.

There have been a lot of things on the political landscape: the way the government dropped the ball during and after the hurricanes, cracks in the right's support of the war, talk of a pull-out, the recent uncovering of NSA spying on US citizens, the Patriot Act not being rubber stamped, the drop in popularity and support for POTUS, and most recently, the federal decision (by a W-appointed judge, no less) that Intelligent Design is Creationism in new skins, and shall not be taught in a science classroom.

Makes me think we are perhaps turning the corner politically even as the shortest day rolls around and the light starts to grow.

New Quote

So I bid you pleasure, And I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan....On the side of the rebel Jesus

Jackson Browne - "Rebel Jesus" from The Chieftains "The Bells of Dublin"