Scenic Root

It's By Far the Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

This Yoga Teacher Training, that is. It's just a big freaking mountain; I'm standing here feeling all small and in some ways overwhelmed.

On the physical, practical side, this weekend has been hard. I went into it with a tweaky back and that has not changed much. Not debilitating, but it's there throughout the 2 hour practice that starts the session. Humbling to struggle with seated side bend. Often, a rigorous vinyasa practice, or a strong standing practice, let's me either roast my back into comfort, or work around it. But this far simpler, but strong practice is gridning right in there. Humbling. In some ways, digging into my fears and self-doubts.

In addition, the sessions are long - practice, lectures, exercises. Some nice breaks in there, some practice teaching. But it's been a long time since I've had to FOCUS for this many hours. So that takes a toll. And I have not been sleeping great, between my back and the time shifting: I'm usually a morning yogi; we start at noon or 1:00 p.m. Plus, I've been eating healthy all weekend - so I think I may be detoxing a bit. Aches and this morning even the hint of a headache (I *never* get headaches)

We looked ahead last night; other than the 5 training weekends, a weekend anatomy class, and a handful of workshops, we also need to take a 24 hour teacher training with another instructor, do a national workshop with another instructor. I knew about those, I think those will be fun based on my practice with national teachers who come through town. We need to write up 2 page critiques of the books we're reading. Not a biggie; I love to write, and a critique is not so far from the many book reviews I've written.

But then, we need to actually get out there and teach. 5 volunteer classes. 2 classes for money. 5 classes assisting Barbara and other WHY teachers. Audiotape one of our classes. Audit a bunch of classes with different teachers (and critique these). It all sounds overwhelming.

Yesterday, we sat down and led one of the other students through a simple posture - seated side bend. We were all flustered - mixing up rights and lefts, leaving out instructions, forgetting to integrate breath. Laughing at ourselves, and crying a little, because its so hard. The magnitude of what I want to do is beginning the strike me - putting myself out there, talking to groups of people, trying to get the language right, the rights, the lefts, the ups, the downs. All this stuff that I've taken into my body, to the point where I lose language, lose words, lose linearity - and just follow my body wisdom. Now I'm trying to superimpose language and thought and linearity on top of it all. Difficult.

I am a person who has been handed many things, easily in life - music, schooling, reading, career. Even the big life project to date has been less about bearing down and working, and more about meandering around finding little pieces and parts until I had enough to work with. I simply pretended I did not really want it, and then chipped away at the edges until the whole thing dropped down under its own weight and I stepped lightly to the top. But to face this mountain of challenge, and to say "that's where I am going" without games or misdirection or leaving myself escape routes. Different for me.

Better start climbing.....

posted by Jude @ 8:56 AM