Happy to Be Here

Driving up to Rochester last night, I made a few phone calls. Hours of driving, only so much radio and music one can take. One of the phone calls was to my mother. Mom's doing fine - the winter is hard on her since she's a bit leery of heading out into cold, ice, and snow, but otherwise she is doing well. But as we spoke (of my business trips and busy month) she commented "It's great that you get out in front of people instead of just hiding". A telling clues as to my origins.

I'm not the sort of person to be out and proud, bold, beautiful and larger than life. As a kid, I was bullied, and I learned to stick to the walls, make myself invisible if I wanted to avoid confrontation and bodily harm. Eventually, I learned to be a class clown, to be smart and funny, to dazzle them with wit, to amuse or confuse my tormentors even as I slipped in a few jabs. But my base instinct is to keep my head down.

Eventually, I warm up and feel safe - I worked at McDonald's as a teen, and eventually became a bit of a loud mouth there, but other crewmembers commented that when I first started, a was so quiet as to be almost creepy. Same thing at my yoga studio - I'm starting to bloom and connect there but its been over two years.

And as a transwoman, I've had a fair amount of success - moving through the world, staying employed, accepted by others - through a philosophy that is quiet and unassuming. When I hold my success up against others who struggle with life post-transition, I have to believe there is some wisdom in my path.

So, when I talk about being hot, sexy, and lovable, it must be put into the context of being quiet, well-behaved, and invisible. In a lot of ways, I feel like I've already gotten more than my share, more than others. It's really hard for me to think and say "I want more, I deserve more" and it's hard for me to want to draw attention to myself, put myself out there as desiring and desireable.

I've internalized my family messages, that maybe it would be better to stay in hiding. I've internalized my community messages, of unemployment, discrimination, and hate crimes. None of these messages is really valid, for me, but it's taking some work to accept that.