And not a moment to soon. This weekend was really hard; a culmination of a holiday season that itself was difficult. It's my first holiday alone in many years, and although Zippy was never a big holiday person, still it's easier to be cranky about the season with a housemate and pets than it is to be in a place alone. So after spending a good chunk of the weekend in tears, I used one of my lifelines - phones (or more accurately, texted) a friend and called another. Before too long I had a few calls coming in and got a bit of it out. Was thinking I really ought to just surrender to the sadness and grief and dive into it all, but instead it came out in a little trickle of tears and sadness all weekend.
Behind this? Being alone, I guess. Getting older. Not seeing a path from where I am to a place of connection and relationship. Add to it a lot of unhealthy eating this holiday, and a bit of procrastination in terms of getting work done, and getting my place out of "moving in" mode and into "lived in" mode. And all these happy pictures of couples - holiday pics, winter fun, xmas trees, new year's eve parties, going to movies that I'd need to go to alone. All the things I was not part of and even if I were part of, would have felt detached from. Bleah.
So I am glad to be back at my desk and back to a routine. Last night I did start to claw my way back to life - besides my phone calls (thanks Amy, Nykki, Kristen, and Barb), I wandered over to Target to pick up some frames, and hung a few photos. I also signed up for a monthly pass at Weight Watchers . What a January thing to do, I know, but it has worked for me in the past. I know all the right things to do to lose weight and be healthy, I just don't do them. I'm going to go to a meeting this morning at 10. And I think I'm gonna give my old therapist a call.
I also stumbled across a GLBT summer camp for adults (Camp Camp) that I'm going to look into. It's been years since I took a real vacation (besides yoga weekends, work trips, and falcon ridge) and this seems like it might be right up my alley. Although I'm going to see if they need a yoga teacher :)
Monday, January 4th. Need to get caught up on work, get my invoicing out. Practice tonight with Barb. It's good to be back to normal.....