April 04, 2008

Vinyasa Flow Uh-Oh

Dreaming last night / this morning. I dreamed I was in today's workshop. We have our mats down, we do some things. Then it's time for a break - we are given some sheets to complete (personal information and issues), and given the chance to go to the bathroom (there is only one, so we need to go in shifts).

I'm filling out the sheets and finding it hard - all I have to write with is a grease pencil. We used to use those at McDonald's, when I worked there. Then, as I struggle to complete the sheets, the room empties out, but I do not notice. I see cardboard boxes piled up - the kind that french fries and hamburger patties used to come in - so I start to clean up, to break them down and stack them. They are coated in wax and have little bits of food stuck to them. As I am doing this, I notice a rack of fry baskets, and a french fry machine - the baskets are lowering in and cooking. There is a grill there, and a few rows of 1/4 pound hamburgers are frying away; I notice they are getting too done. Finally, someone comes over to tend the grill.

Then, I notice that the room has emptied, that everyone is gone. I open a door, and the yoga class is getting started in another room; I am the last one in. I woke up about this time, and noticed my body was clenched, curled up, as if I were holding onto something. And in the sleep-wake period following, I saw myself teaching a yoga class, and talking to my students about the body storing away emotions: pain, grief, etc. - as it stores fat into tissue, and that it's normal to release those during strenuous practice, to feel the pain and the grief.

I worked at McDonald's in high school and college. It was a singularly visceral experience - working on fries and the grill, the cooking grease coated everything. Working on the dress station, the cheese, onions, and pickles would get under ones fingernails and into the creases of the hands, and my hands would smell for days regardless of how much I washed. So those memories and images are deeply ingrained into my system.

And today - I have few vices per se. Not a big drinker. Never smoked. But fast food remains an addiction I have yet to fully face. For all my yoga, my food awareness, my desire to clean up my life, one will often find the remnants of my last meal on the go in my car: the golden arches, Wendy's, Taco Bell.

And so, to have this dream, on the eve of a three day detox yoga workshop, is meaningful. I recall one of my teachers, who, during an enlightenment intensive (she was not even on the intensive, she was staff) mentioning "I dreamed of a big pile of cocaine". Well, I have met my cocaine. It's a quarter-pounder with cheese and a large order of fries.

Suddenly, the workshop looms large and scary before me.....I've got some work to do, pretty sure.

1 comment:

sandyshoes said...

Ack, the pesky subconscious strikes again!

I hope the workshop is good, and not too scary.